Chewed Up and Spit Out.

As my baby gets older, she is trying more foods. Some are met positively, as she uses her tiny teeth to gobble it up. While others, she promptly spits out of her little mouth.

This morning was one of those times when she wasn't enjoying her meal. It made me think of this scripture in Revelation. 15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

When we take time to analyze our lives, it should be immediately clear who we serve and what we stand for. If not, we are in danger of suffering the same fate as my baby's breakfast.

I'm a Pot Roast

The past thirty days have been trying for me. I have cried a lot. I think I've sprouted many more gray hairs around my temples. My blood pressure is probably high. I've been overwhelmed with mounting laundry, last minute papers to write and sick kids. Not to mention the fact that there is too much month left at the end of our money.

I feel at times that I am in a crock-pot. God is baking me slowly, like a pot roast. If you've ever made a pot roast, then you know that cooking them too quickly creates a rubbery mass that is not edible. Ahhh, but if you allow them to roast slowly and soak up the juices, the result is a wonderful savory delight.

Please pray that I have the grace to stay in the pot long enough to produce a wonderfully usable end product. Pray also that I accept the "seasoning" He throws my way. I admit that I am weak right now. I'm in great need of strength, encouragement and a big dose of extra faith. I need to feel His strength in my weakness.

Image from laloosh.com

Flawless

While getting the kids ready for school the other day, I had the misfortune of watching parts of two different infomercials. One for some type of mineral makeup, and the following one was about some type of home airbrush system. What stood out to me was that both flaunted the ability to give you "flawless skin".

As I listened, that theme recurred over and over. Flawless skin, flawless skin, flawless skin... It played like a broken record in my mind. At first, it was somewhat appealing; making me want to call in a have a kit rushed to my house. But then, the sleep disappeared from my eyes, and I realized the absolute lunacy of it all. Why would I want the appearance of flawless skin?! I want to have flawless skin.

Appearance is only a lie. A fallacy. A fabrication. As Christians, we are so often concerned with appearances that we do not take time to examine the real truth. God looks beyond the outward appearance and into the truth within our hearts. So then, should we. We are not flawless. Only Christ is flawless. Trying to appear flawless simply sets us up for failure. We should strive to reflect Him and reveal truth, not cover up our flaws as they can provide true teachable moments.

Short, Slinky Spandex

How many of you find yourself comparing your appearance to others? I don't do this often, but I did it yesterday. What I'm sharing with you is deeply personal, so please handle it with kid gloves.

As you all know, I gave birth to our third child last year. Many people tell me that I look "great" or "you don't look like you've had three kids." I politely thank them and go on my way. While compliments are nice, they don't mean squat if you don't buy them.

Last night I attended my brother-in-law's wedding. So of course I was surrounded by young women with no husband and no children. Since Tre was in the wedding, I had the two younger children. The eldest was the flower girl, but became my charge after the ceremony. I did have some help from my sister-in-law and another one to be, but I they're lightweights! My kids wore us all out. They were tired and cranky, and I was almost to tears before it was all over. Anyway...

The waifs were everywhere. For the first real time, I felt like covering my gray hairs. I felt older and more tired and bigger than so many! It was a strange feeling for me, and I'm not sure why it hit when it did.

Perhaps it was the overly tight, overly short dresses were in huge supply. While I have never dressed like that, it was because of my morals, not because I couldn't pull it off. Now it's a little bit of both. Clothes cover a multitude of sins. Baby pouches are unglamorous, and when you hate crunches and love cheesecake as much as I, you may always have one! The other thing is that even though my scale tells me I am the same as I was before babies, the weight is distributed differently, and gravity is against me! I guess I can't be a convincing Catwoman this Halloween.

I guess it's a good thing I have a God that looks at me from the inside out and loves me anyway. If I decide to get serious about exercising, maybe I'll be the one in the short, slinky spandex at the next reception. Or maybe not.

Freedom Behind Bars

I had the privilege of being introduced to a very unique ministry yesterday. The Saints Prison Ministry takes the message of Jesus Christ to inmates across the US and Canada. Because sports are non-threatening and attractive, this is the method that they use. They have softball, volleyball, soccer and basketball teams that travel to prisons and play against prisoners. During the course of games, volunteers have an opportunity to share testimonies with those who are incarcerated.

Their belief is that we are all just one bad decision away from being locked up ourselves. They realize that, but for God's grace, we could all be in the same position. Many of us have committed the same crimes and not been caught. At the very least, we have thought of wrongdoing and simply not followed through.

I was humbled as I watched a video of the ministry in action. Many of the inmates look forward to the games are are thrilled to finally have someone that comes to see them. The Saints Prison Ministry gives them an opportunity to be free in spite of the bars surrounding them. If you would like to learn more about this awesome ministry or get involved, visit their website and see if this is a place where God could use you.

Momma Had Homework

I apologize for neglecting each of you. I promise you, you've been in my heart. I'm on a journey right now. Filled with misadventures and crazy memories. The journey I'm on is philosophical in nature. I'm a student again, and boy is it interesting. I'll let you on to a little secret: I was scared to death to go back to school. Even though I've had a career, my brain has spent much of the last ten years in mommy mode. When you see a professor who has been teaching for a long time and is used to students that use big words all the time, it can be a bit intimidating.

My first week was spent cramming 6 chapters and a paper into 48 hours. Much of that time was spent stressing and pulling out my hair. Sadly, much of it was also spent making my family wish the crazy lady was still at work! I was unable to get into my class for a couple of days, and by the time I did, I was already behind. After a small nervous breakdown, I sent up a hurried prayer and invoked the powers of my phone's Kindle app. Within seconds I had the first book Whispersynced and in my hands. So glad I'm not a technophobe right now.

Although my routine has changed drastically over the last month, I am so happy and thankful for the changes. I feel alive and relevant. I know that I am in God's perfect will. Even though the immediate future is uncertain, I'm enjoying this ride. Living each day, in the words of Jill Scott, "like it's golden".

Image by Brenda Starr

Listening for His Voice

This morning I wandered into the bathroom to get my day started. While in there I heard the cries of our precious baby. She's crawling now, so she has free reign of pretty much everywhere. She whined, and I cooed reassurances to her from beyond the door. As I spoke, I could hear her shuffling closer to the direction that my voice was coming from.

When I emerged from the door, her face lit up into a huge smile. She then proceeded to grab my pant leg and lift herself up to a standing position. When I hoisted her up onto my hip, all was right in her world. Tears ceased, and we were on our way.

At this age, it doesn't take much to make her happy. But as she grows older, I know the mere sound of my voice will not be enough to make everything better. As she grows in age, I pray that she grows in wisdom. I pray that just as she has complete faith in me right now, she will learn to place her faith in the One who made her. I pray that she will listen to and follow His voice.

70 x 7, Say What?!

Inside my head, there is an ongoing struggle. The admonishment to forgive so that I may be forgiven seems logical yet virtually impossible in many situations. I also wrestle with the idea of forgiving repeatedly. What is it about forgiveness that makes my hair turn gray and my forehead wrinkle? Then again, I guess it isn't forgiveness itself that plagues me, it's the conditions that I have placed upon granting it.

Condition one: I only consider forgiveness when the person actually asks for it. I don't just go around granting it all willy nilly.

Condition two: I only forgive quickly if I believe there is a good chance the offending action will not be repeated regularly.

Matthew 6:14-15 says 14"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."

I have the most difficulty forgiving those closest to me, especially my spouse. Some of you can probably relate. The hurts are deeper since we care more. Bear with me, I'm working through this as I write. That's what I love about the Word. When I am going through something that I can't quite grasp, I find truth there.

Also, Matthew 18 provides valuable insight about forgiveness when Peter asks Jesus for an exact figure on forgiveness. Jesus' parable teaches us why we should forgive.

I need constant reminders of this right now. I'm holding grudges lately, and I'm not sure why. Call it "righteous indignation". These verses remind me that I must offer unlimited forgiveness since Christ has forgiven me. And since I can't afford to go through a life devoid of His forgiveness, I guess I have some forgiving to do. Looks like I don't have a choice. And after all I've been forgiven, I shouldn't want one. I feel humbled and ashamed.

If you have a forgiveness story or tips on forgiving, please comment. I love hearing from you.

Into the Unknown

You may have noticed that some of my posts have been talking about faith and trusting God. I've been giving myself little pep talks to encourage me to be obedient in the days to come. I've avoided talking about this for one main reason: pity. I don't want any.

I'm being downsized. As of Tuesday, I'm a stay at home mom by default. Our company decided to close the doors completely, one phase at a time, and we are the first to go. I've had many mixed emotions since I've been navigating through the last couple of months. From shock to anger to confusion and acceptance to excitement.

I've been wrestling with a growing discontented restlessness for a while now. Knowing that God had placed a purpose in my heart. One that needed to be fulfilled. As a full-time working wife and mother to three, free time was in short supply. After the birth of our third, I reduced my hours some in hopes of finding a little more balance. Still time was limited, and energy, with a baby who sleeps terribly was almost non-existent.

I've been taking baby steps. I've been praying for God to be crystal clear to me. So far He has been taking me out of my carefully protected comfort zone and leading me down a path that logic did not create. Yet, most of the time my soul is bathed in a peaceful balm. I'm excited to be more involved in my home and with my family. When I think too much about the loss of income, my focus shifts, and I can feel myself sinking under the waves of uncertainty.

In the days to come, I will refer often to this song by Britt Nicole. I pray it speaks to your heart the way it speaks to me.

Protesting Protesters

My commute this morning was very colorful. As I coasted down I85, my eyes were assaulted by a red pick-up encased in anti-abortion signs. That should have tipped me off to what was yet to come, but it didn't. As I got off on my exit, my stomach turned flips as my appetite disappeared. Protesters were lining the bridge; graphic poster boards in tow.

I was furious. "Jesus"was plastered on the backs of their matching t-shirts. I believe that abortion destroys babies. However, these protesters scared me. Their pictures were nauseating and extreme. I just kept thinking that the pro-life message is not being helped with this type of propaganda.

I was so thankful that my children were not in the car with me. It would have traumatized them terribly. I think I might have nightmares tonight. Their signs and shirts showed that they were a Christian organization that was "saving the world".

Abortion is a highly political topic that I prefer not to broach. But one way or another, this subject has pushed its way into my psyche this week. A woman who finds herself facing with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy is in a very vulnerable place. She may be scared and confused and hopeless.

One thing we can all agree on (hopefully), is the mother and the baby need to be cared for. Both of their lives are important to God. Both are in need of saving. If we as Christians are willing to condemn a woman who considers abortion, then we should definitely be willing to offer more than prayers to the young woman who chooses to bring her child into the world, whether to parent or place for adoption. We should exude love and not condemnation.

Distinctly Impossible

Hebrews 11:6 tells us that without faith, it is impossible to please God. I looked at several translations of this verse, and all of the ones I browsed used the word impossible. The word choice struck me. I've tried many times without success to please God without faith. Oh, I say that I believe, but the worry lines and gray hair tell a different story.

But Hebrews gives me the vibe that trying to please God without wholly believing in all that He is and can do, is a big waste of time! Why would I try to please a man that I don't trust with my problems? How can I please a man that I don't believe will provide the money needed to cover our bills? When can I please this man that was big enough to create the whole world in 6 days and not big enough to keep my children healthy or strengthen my marriage?

Hebrews says, it is not possible. No chance. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. So, as I continue to pray about God's plan for this next stage of my life, I must have complete faith if I'm to have any chance at pleasing Him. Even though God has always proven faithful, I haven't. When I put Him inside of my tiny, compartmentalized box, He becomes inadequate. His timing becomes imperfect, and I become frazzled. But, in those times when I truly rest in Him, sleep comes easier.

Don't Worry, I Got This

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

In this chapter Jesus is speaking to His disciples preparing them for His death and eventual return to heaven. This particular verse spoke to my heart this evening. It shows Jesus' compassion for His followers. He seemed to be sensitive to their concerns and gave then information and encouragement to prepare them for things to come.

In this chapter He told them that the Holy Spirit would be sent to comfort them after He was gone. He wanted them to have peace. He warned them of the troubles that they would face in this world. He assured them that they WILL have trouble. There was no question about that. But instead of leaving them in despair, He instructed them to "take heart". Be encouraged. Relax. "I got you." Why? " I have overcome the world." Not the town, or the village, not the city, not even the continent. THE WORLD!

When we experience troubles it is easy to think, why me? This verse reminds us that we WILL all have troubles. It's a promise. We should not really be surprised when having difficulties. The prudent thing to do is to remember that Jesus has overcome the whole world and the circumstances that we all face while in it. Allow His words to seep into your heart and marinate in your spirit. Let them saturate your mind and soothe your worries.

Celebrate,or Not

Summer is wedding season, so consequently, it's anniversary season too. I've been noticing several Facebook status updates that are celebrating several years of marriage. From 1 to 5 to 50, no matter how many years you've been married, it is a cause to reflect. Notice I didn't say a cause for celebration.

All marriages should not be celebrated. I am not one who believes that one should celebrate simply because you are still together. I saw many examples growing up of marriages that I didn't want for my own.

I'm sure I've said this before, "love is not enough". For us, the 3 stranded-cord is the key. (Ecc. 4:12) God + the 2 of us all bonded eternally together. When God is not at the top of our list and the center of everything, our balance is off, and our world spins out of control. Oh, but when we're in sync with His plans for us, there is purpose and a quiet peace that can only be found by resting in His will.

I'm a horrible cynic about weddings in general. I've been to more than my share and wondered what the bride and groom were thinking and how long it would be until I heard of an impending divorce. Please don't think I want any marriage to fail, because you know that's not the case, but I do think some are doomed before they even get started.

This year we reached the 10 year mark. I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I wish I could say that my reflections showed perfection and no room for improvement. Not even close. There are things that I need to improve.

I want to strive to have a wondrous marriage that demands to be celebrated. I desire to be a worthy example to all who come into contact with us. I need to be an open book, what you see is what you get. No pretense. No surprises. After watching the dissolution of the Gores' marriage after over 40 years, I realize that we are not invincible.

No one truly knows what goes on inside the four walls of a marriage. There may be hurts that go unspoken and secrets that remain undiscovered. There might be loneliness and despair unparalleled. If you are married, pray together daily. If you aren't, pray for someone who is. Marriages are under attack, and only God can truly bind a husband to His wife. Let's make our marriages ones worthy of celebration.

I Know What I'm Doing

In a world of so much chaos, I'm thankful that I serve the God of the universe. The same One who calmed the sea and raised the dead. I'm so thankful that He knows my name and hears my thoughts. I'm glad that the number of hairs on my head is known by Him. I'm grateful that He doesn't leave me even when I try to leave Him. I'm grateful that He never leaves me. I feel safe knowing that He has all of my steps marked out. If only I could trust Him implicitly.

Tonight I pray for more faith. I'm at a huge crossroads in my life right now, and I know that God is calling me to step outside of my comfort zone and out on faith. I'm being lured away from my safety net and into His waiting arms. Follow me because I will never lead you astray. I know the plans that I have for you. I know what I am doing. I am the Alpha and Omega. I love you, and I know all about you. Take up your cross and follow Me. Lord, strengthen my faith, and let me trust you and you alone as I take this next step. Amen.

Shut Up!

I'm wondering why women are so drawn to juicy secrets? While I realize that men also enjoy an opportunity to talk about someone's misfortune, women are especially excited by this. I've seen women practically foam at the mouth at the expectation of gleaning a morsel of private information. The main problem is that it is especially prevalent among believers.

I know you're shocked and appalled by this revelation. The church is meant to be a safe haven for those who are broken and weary. I've had a tendency to steer clear of women's groups primarily because I feel that gossip is so often thinly veiled in a cloak of concern or a so-called prayer request.

Gossips are thrilled to spread information about someone's failures or distress. The intent of gossip is tragic, painful and repulsive. A gossip does not care if the information being spread is truthful. She does not care who gets caught in the crossfire. As women, we have much to learn about gossip.

Many women are afraid of sharing their hearts or failures with other women because they don't want to hear about it later on from someone else. They are also afraid that the "friend" they choose to share with is secretly happy she is struggling. Gossip makes it hard to truly empathize with another, and it it in direct opposition with Jesus' teaching. We are commanded to cry with one another and help to bear one another's burdens, not to rejoice in shortcomings.

Proverbs 20:19 says: A gossip goes around telling secrets, so don't hang around with chatterers.
Proverbs 11:12-13 says: It is foolish to belittle one's neighbor; a sensible person keeps quiet. A gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence. The Bible leaves no question about what should leave our mouths. Since the Bible takes a hard line on being busybodies who have nothing better to do than spread lies, as Christians, we are supposed to do the same. Let us learn to be TRUE friends to each other. Let us learn to glory only in the good things and exercise self-control.

God is a Funny Guy

WARNING: This post probably isn't for pious people who have never felt distant from God. Leave all judgment at the door.

My life has been filled with stresses lately. The walls have felt like they've been trying to close in around me. I've had a block between me and God, too. I've allowed life to get in the way of time that I spend with Him alone. I've been too tired and too lazy to fix it even though it has caused me innumerable problems. I can always justify the distance by saying I'm too tired to get up since I don't get to sleep through the night any more. But God is a funny guy. He's not interested in my excuses. He misses me, and He's set out to prove it to me.

For the past several days I have been waking up before my alarm and even when I have nowhere to go! It's been annoying. I've tried without success to just go back to sleep. So last night, before going to sleep, I prayed that God would allow me to get much needed sleep and that I would not wake up before the alarm again. While God heard my prayer, He did not obey. He's funny like that. Once again I tried to fall back to sleep with no luck. But this morning was different. I decided to pray that He would reveal to me why He kept waking me up against my will. This was apparently the prayer I should have prayed when this first started happening.

This morning, unlike recent mornings, began with a prayer for guidance. It continued with me taking a long-awaited spiritual journey through my YouVersion Bible while I allowed the Holy Spirit to be my tour guide. Amazing things are happening even as I write this. I'm glad that I put stubbornness on hold long enough to receive these blessings. My head feels clearer and my path straighter. It's funny how that happened only when I quit being disobedient to God and His attempts to get my attention. I'm just glad He loves me enough to not give up just because I'm being an idiot! ;)

The Miracles in My Day

Because of "corporate downsizing", I've been thrust into an environment of sadness and despair. Many people are walking around like the world is ending very soon. Like death is eminent. The days have grown long. At times I have difficulty wanting to walk into the building. So I've begun to talk to God and myself a lot more.

What are the miracles in my day? The mere fact that I have a day is a miracle that isn't promised to all people. The fact that I wake up each morning unaided by an alarm. The fact that once I'm awake, I can open up my eyes and see the sunlight peaking through my window. I can hear the weather man as he tells me to grab a jacket on my way out. I can climb out of bed without a cane or wheelchair. The bed I sleep in is indoors. It is inside of the 4 walls of a house that is ours, well, technically we borrow it from the bank.

When I walk into the bathroom, like magic, the lights come on. In the shower, warm water cascades. When I wake up my daughter for school, she sits up on her own and stretches as she comes to life each morning. She performs well in school. Our fridge has food. Our car is owned and has gas in the tank (most mornings). I drive her to school and me to work accident free. When I arrive at my job my badge works as I swipe in signaling another day closer to payday.

Although the list could go on for hours, it isn't necessary. The routine of our days may seem endless at times, but many people would kill for a routine of any kind. For the parent of a severely ill child, routine is comforting and coveted. So let us stop complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves, let's pause and contemplate the miracles of our day. They may seem insignificant, but try living life without them.

Photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/hemflock/

Unspeakable Danger

Our firstborn attended her first sleepover several weeks ago. I can't believe how quickly she's growing up. When I mentioned the sleepover to another mom, she looked at me in dismay. I was confused. She said that she couldn't believe we let her go. Her concern was about whether or not there was an older boy in the house.

She told me about how fiercely protective she was of her only child. She expressed a desire to keep her daughter innocent for as long as possible. She also said that she was so protective because of what she had experienced during her childhood.

It is an evil world when you can't send your child to someone's home without worrying about a perverse father or older son who has an eye for little girls. While I was not as afraid as the mom I spoke to, I was relieved that there were no older sons in the home.

I am also thankful that God protects our daughter from all manner of evil. He is with her when we can't be and even when we are. He keeps her safe from danger at school, and I do not take it for granted. Because He does not leave her, I can feel at peace when I do.

It Could Always Be Worse

"It could always be worse." This used to be one of Tre's favorite statements to me. I say "used to" because he doesn't say it much any more. I'm thankful because I always wanted to smack him hard when he'd say it. Not because I didn't believe it but because I wasn't interested in hearing it at the time. When you're feeling sorry for yourself, you want to be left alone.

As I sat down to write, I realized that it's been several days since I talked to my younger brother and his wife. I've been getting updates on my nephew here and there, but no chats. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately with the husband, kids, work and church. The house looks like a tornadic hurricane blew through it. I finally got my hair done, so I look a little less like a corpse. I've had short patience for dealing with nonsense. I'm just downright tired of foolishness in every area of my life. In the midst of my frustration, I haven't been praying as much as I should.

I've neglected to send thoughtful texts and pray constantly for the health of my precious nephew. It's not that I don't pray for him and his sister and parents, I just think I've been too focused on the mayhem in my life right now and have temporarily lost focus of the things that matter the most. After hearing about the past 7 days in my brother's life, I am reminded that my stress does not begin to compare to what they are dealing with. God has gently reminded me that he is ordering my steps each day and that He will bear my burdens. He is shifting my focus from my situation to that of my nephew. I am thankful for that. Praying for him is a more constructive way to spend my time.

It turns out that Tre was right. Don't tell him I said so please. It is easy to feel sorry for myself. It is easy to selfishly focus on my stresses and neglect those of others in the process. I don't want to be selfish any more. Thank you Lord for knocking some sense into me and telling me to get over myself.

The Death of Self-Respect

When I first started to date my mother gave me some tips (really threats, but tips is more P.C.), about how to conduct myself. She gave me money so that I could always get home on my own if necessary and pay for my own meal or movie. She told me not to accept gifts from men all willy nilly. Nothing is free. She would not permit me to call boys on the phone, they had to call me. "Chasing" men was strictly prohibited. Most of this stuff sounded completely insane to me. Not any more.

As I watch a culture of women "chase" men, I want to put them alone in a room with my mother so she can talk some sense into them. I'm tired of seeing strong, educated, intelligent women throw themselves at anyone with an XY chromosome complement. I do not want to continue to witness the complete loss of standards as women shack up with men indefinitely as they test out the product and try to decide if they're in love enough to "put a ring on it" as Beyonce' says. (although the Chipettes do it better in my opinion, but I digress)

Will this epidemic ever be remedied? Why are women settling for men just because they have the sperm necessary to shut up the biological clock? Why are women taking international trips with perfect strangers just because he's paying? Why are women content to share a married man with his wife just to avoid a few lonely nights? When did we forget to value ourselves? When and why did this shift take place? How can these fault lines be eradicated before generations of brilliant, beautiful women are swept away in their wake? This breaks my heart.

I don't want to answer these questions yet. Partially because I don't have many answers. Mostly because I really want to hear from all of you. Please leave comments. Tell your mamas to leave comments. Send your crazy friends over, and tell them to comment. I know each of you knows someone that you've secretly dreamt of smacking because they fit into one of the aforementioned categories. Here's your chance to vent. I'm waiting...

Bear With Me

Bear with this uncharacteristically long post. I'm going somewhere. My life is in a state of flux right now. My heart and mind are filled with thoughts that are dying to be posted, yet unfortunately many remain in the digital camera of my mind's eye. I know each of you can relate to the mayhem that ensues in our lives each day.

There are jobs that stress us out (if we let them). There are responsibilities in trying to keep your house from being declared a national disaster area (at which I'm failing miserably). Then there are the children who have more needs than a patient in a convalescent home (and I love them so dearly)! And let me not neglect to mention my handsome husband, the youth pastor/soccer coach/life coach/daddy daycare/... (who keeps me the busiest of all)!

Right now, me head is so full of hats that many of my thoughts have been lost under all of them. I am desperately working towards more structure and less clutter (in my brain, that is). I am paring down our schedules to include only essential things, however, I'm thinking we have a few too many "essentials" right now. Tre and I are also communicating and praying during this time of transitions to make sure that we don't get disconnected and lost in the fray.

As the only daughter of a busy pastor (my dad works full-time and still serves his parishioners), I watched the business in his life. I watched him work all day, come straight to my track meet, then rush off to the hospital before going home. I'm not sure when he ate. I remember him contemplating vacations because someone in the flock was sick in the hospital, and he was concerned about being too far away. I watched him come home with his work goggles and burned shirt (from sparks flying), rush up to shower and change in time to pick up kids for children's church. I could literally go on for hours, but it isn't necessary to make my point.

While I love the members of his church as much as my family, I did not always want to share him with them. Plus church folks aren't the easiest group of people to love. I got sick of leaving practice early to get to church. I got tired of feeling like I lived there sometimes. So I started talking to God a long time ago.

Dear God, I see how my dad is stretched so thin. I see the strain that it puts on my mom. I see how tired he is. I realize that emergencies happen, but couldn't they wait until after our vacation? Why do we need to get home early from dinner on Saturday night so that he can prepare his sermon? And God, if you love me at all, please, please, please don't let me marry a pastor. I think I repeated that part a few times for good measure. Amen.

Some of you are probably laughing right now. But I'm not, and I wasn't then either. I was dead serious. So much so that I immediately burst into loud sobs when two individual people spoke a prophecy over my now husband (then boyfriend), that he would be a pastor. I did not want that life for myself or my children. Don't knock me unless you've been there. A pastor is expected to be so many things for so many people! His children and wife make innumerable sacrifices. The phone doesn't stop ringing, and you can't call-screen them like telemarketers.

While I'm aware that to many, ministry is noble, it is not easy. Many sacrifices are required, and unlike traditional work, there is usually no tangible (earthly) bonus received for an extraordinary job. When we first started serving youth, we were much younger and more carefree. We had no children and few responsibilities. Fast forward 10 years , and we are like clowns juggling at the circus sometimes. Pray for me as we learn to prioritize. As we work to serve the people in our church, let us not forget to serve one another and our children FIRST. Let us always use God as our filter for priorities. Let us avoid burn-out, because this work must be done, and we want to do it to the fullest ability that God allows. We are willing. We love our God and our youth! (and their parents, too)

The Stuff that Matters

The other day I was chatting with two coworkers about the workplace politics and allowing stuff to get the best of you. It's so easy to get bogged down in all of the things that are wrong in a workplace, really any place. I told them that I've seen quite a few people come and go in our department. The ones who let it get the best of them don't last.

I spoke from experience. I was the one who was letting it get the best of me. I was letting bitterness set in. I was frustrated everyday. I expected changes and logical steps that most likely were never going to happen. Meanwhile, I was letting those frustrations make me cranky. I was complaining constantly, and things remained the same.

After I miscarried, there was a switch that clicked inside of me. Why are you allowing things that don't matter to control your happiness? When my hip refused to heal after childbirth, and I struggled with mobility. I had repeated difficulties with my disability process. When I quit worrying and stressing, God took over. When my nephew was diagnosed with cancer, a transformation began inside me.

Most of the things I allow to plague me are not life and death. Sadly, most aren't even important in the grand scheme of things. I've been making a conscious effort to enjoy everyday. Especially the time I spend with my family. I've been taking time to smell the roses. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm getting there. Just the other day my friend said that she's noticed a calm about me lately. It made me smile. It means the changes is noticeable, and I thank God for it.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Even the stuff that seems insurmountable. If it is truly beyond our control, we have to accept that. God knows the outcome. He sees the whole picture while we see only what's in front of us. Greater still, He controls all. He has the ability to alter situations in unimaginable ways in the blink of an eye. I'm so glad He is who holds my future. Rest in that today.

When Prayers Aren't Enough

Since learning that my young nephew has cancer, I've experienced severe emotions. The first were shock and disbelief. At times I've been gripped by fear. I've also felt helpless. That one tends to linger. I've been praying like I've never prayed before, but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough.

When I read posts from my sister-in-law and her pain is palpable, I feel helpless and sad. When I receive a text from my little brother about the intense sadness he sees in his only son, my heart breaks again and again. I want to make this go away. Prayer doesn't feel like enough.

I am constantly encouraged by their strength and trust in God through this, but I wish this journey never had to begin. Why God? I look at my own children and have irrational thoughts. If you're a parent, you know the responsibility we feel to protect our children from everything. We put a lot of faith in our ability to do so. When illness strikes, our resolve is tested. When we look in the mirror, we see frailty and weakness. Prayer doesn't feel like enough.

His word tells us that His power is made perfect in our weakness. I guess that should be comforting, but someone it isn't right now. I know it will be eventually. But right now, I don't want to feel this sad. I want my nephew healed, and I want it right now. And I want to pray for God's will, but I'm too afraid to do so. I believe in His power, but I don't always understand it. I know that He is sovereign, and I know that I am weak right now. Lord, help me to trust in your perfect power. Help me to know that prayer is enough.

Seriously??!! Not again!

Thursday. The day before Friday. A day I looked forward to with great anticipation. Meeting a friend at Trader Joe's. Making a stop at Old Navy's winter clearance. Sounds like a wonderful plan. That's just where I went wrong. I had a plan.

Our 6 year-old neglected most of her homework until Thursday which meant I had to scramble to help her after working and feeling sick all day. Not happy. Anyway, I finally got all of the children to sleep when I received a message. My husband, was hit by a deer. Yes, the deer hit him! There were many of them, one rogue deer got spooked and took off into his side of the car. It actually took off the mirror and dented the vehicle. It left behind some hair and some slobber on the window. The other thing it left was a frightened wife and a frustrated husband.

Rewind. Over ten years ago, Tre was traveling to NC from OH alone. I got a call from him late at night saying that he'd hit a huge buck that came through the and broke out most of the glass. He was spared but continues to have strange headaches to this day. I was scared out of my mind. Once I saw the car and the holes in the ceiling from deer antlers, I started to cry. When I realized that the deer came through the passenger side and I had fought in vain to go with him, I was sobered. The responding trooper said it was a miracle that he was alive. This was six months before our wedding.

Fast forward. Thursday. Why again God? We realized that you spared him before? Why again? We gave YOU credit for that miracle. We kept the t-shirt with the holes in it as a reminder of your grace.

I'm convinced that there is a call of my husband's life. Since he made the shift from secular work to ministry, we have experienced many trials. Satan's attempt to derail our obedience to God. This transition has not been without difficulty. Not the least being a drastic salary reduction and the addition of another child to our family. While it should be frightening, God has been taking amazing care of us. We have all of our needs and even some of our wants met. I'm still wondering if God has another message for us in this latest accident.

The Green Mile

After many glorious weeks with my precious baby, it is time to return to work. Although I knew this day would come, I can't say that I have looked forward to it. I mean, what is there to look forward to? Workplace drama, sore feet and headaches?

I'm at that place where I'm thankful for a paycheck but could do without the politics. I enjoy most of the people I work with, and I like the work that I do.

My prayer is for a positive attitude and much peace. I'm praying for a smooth transition and a beautiful work-life balance. I'm trusting God to be with me as a walk the green mile and return to the lion's den (in my case, lionesses).

New and Improved

I'm always skeptical when I see "new and improved" on a product that I always buy. Sometimes that improvement is a "new, sleeker design" which usually is a synonym for smaller package, less product and more money. And at other times that improvement is "20% percent more product for the same price". That one is debatable. And still other times the new improvement is actually something I benefit from. These are rare moments of sublime happiness for me.

Recently I stopped in Target for a few necessities. Lansinoh is a company that makes products for babies and nursing mothers. When I grabbed the box that I needed, I saw the "new and improved" sign emblazoned on the front of the package. "Oh great", I thought. I bet there are fewer items in here. Nope. Same amount. "Okay, I guess I'll have to wait to get home to find out how they're ripping me off". So when I arrived home to investigate, I was pleasantly surprised. They actually were improved! Softer, better designed and more efficient.

When we come to know Christ, we should have a sticker on our forehead that says "new and improved". If the king of creation abides inside of us we should be able to wear it proudly.
2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us that we are new creations in Christ and that the old person is gone. We should make sure that we don't grow complacent. Always allow the Holy Spirit to continue to improve us from the inside out. We should also make sure that our improvements are not gimmicks. We should be genuinely crafting our lives in His image. Let all who meet us find a "pleasant surprise."

Snap Out of It!

The past three months have been a whirlwind of activity. Getting used to all of the changes in my life has been exciting, scary and overwhelming. Very overwhelming.

I've been so stressed over the stupidest things. I'm actually mad at myself for letting bureaucrats interfere with my life! I'm furious that I've allowed ignorant people to steal hours of happiness from my days. The pathetic thing is that I know better. I tell myself that God is in control and that everything will work out for my good. And the strange thing is that I actually, truly believe it. So I really can't put my finger on what's really bothering me.

It's almost mysterious. I have a hard time letting people get away with treating me badly. I also have difficulty sitting back and watching when all is not in order. My husband is telling me to step back, pray and wait. The part I'm not doing is stepping back. I think I need to be slapped right now.

What I'm thankful for is that I know confidently that the God of all peace, my peace is still in charge. He does not need my help, even when I insist that He does. I also know that, as my dad would say, this too shall pass. So while I practice stepping back and trusting Him through this, pray for me. Don't just say it, do it. Pray fervently, and mean it. I'd do it for you.

Breaking Up is Hard To Do

Everyday we are forced to place our faith in many things. Sometimes our faith is automatic. We give little thought to whether or not our heart will beat when it's supposed to or whether another breath will follow the previous. At other times the faith is a little more deliberate Sitting down in a wobbly chair and trusting that it will still support you. Still other times, faith is placed in a person, a spouse maybe. We trust that he or she will stay true no matter what life brings. There is not a day that allows us to proceed without faith, but sometimes our faith is misplaced or broken.

This is something I've experienced recently. About seven years ago we purchased a beautiful sleigh bed. It was simply the most beautiful piece of furniture I'd ever seen! Very dark, heavy wood and the perfect curves...a match made in heaven, love at first sight. Our relationship progressed and a trust developed. It saw me through many nights and two pregnancies. Notice I said two...we have three children.

This is where disillusionment began to cloud our relationship. Sometime during the third pregnancy, the bed began to squeak. Soon after we noticed that the bed rails were bowing out. Next the wood began to splinter, and it was downhill from there. We purchased some insanely strong wood glue to repair the rails and reinforced them with metal underneath. Problem solved. Wrong. Last night while the five us relaxed on the bed, our relationship suffered a fatal blow. I heard splintering and then a crash. My side of the bed collapsed. The bed I had trusted for so long failed me. I'm still trying to come to grips with it.

As we hauled away the useless structure, part of the head board broke off! Upon closer inspection, we noticed that our "solid" bed was a beautifully finished compilation of small, compressed wood fragments! It's a wonder it lasted this long!

When we first meet a guy, the first thing we notice is his appearance. Mahogany skin, perfect teeth and chiseled features. If he has a romantic nature and a sense of humor, we're quickly swept away and immediately in love. Soon he has our trust, in spite of the fact that he hasn't earned it. We begin to overlook "squeaks" in his surface. Next we've agreed to marry him, and while it may take some time for the wood to splinter, it will happen. Over time the "compressed fragments" begin to separate, and the relationship comes crashing down.

Had I focused less on the external beauty of the wood and taken a closer look, perhaps we would have chosen more carefully. If I would have done my homework and set my standards higher, I wouldn't feel like I'm at a sleepover. If I'd looked beneath the surface to the character of the wood, I would have noticed its lack of integrity. But I didn't. It's too late to do my due diligence now. The damage is done.

Thankfully no one was hurt. This is rarely the case in love. When we focus on the outward appearance more than the content of a man's heart, destruction is eminent. Avoid placing faith in someone who does not deserve it. Jesus Christ is the only One that never changes. Trust in Him.