I learned that I am miscarrying our third child as I speak. It came as a crushing blow that sent me into a tale spin of emotions. I saw the empty amniotic sac on a large wall television, and my heart broke. I never knew I could feel physical pain like that in my heart until then.
So instead of chronicles of joy, I will talk about my process of grief and how God is bringing me through it. We were so excited, and this change of events is hard to accept. Everyone says it's God's will. Admittedly, I am having a hard time coping with that right now with my empty womb.If you know someone whose recently had a miscarriage, don't ask her if she's okay. She's not. I'm not, but I will be. God promised not to leave or forsake me, and I plan to hold Him to it.
2 comments:
I got your email today with the news so I decided to check our your blog to see what happened and it brought back chilling memories. It was my first pregnancy and I never gave any thought to the possibility of a miscarriage. I had a very positive pregnancy test that I confirmed in the chemistry lab with a blood test. I went in for my first visit, 13 weeks, I can't remember. I had my family with me because I wanted them to see the first heart beats on ultrasound with me. I was so happy and excited I was all ear to ear smiles. The doctor was very quiet after he began the ultrasound and sent me to radiology for a full ultrasound. I knew then something was wrong. They were only able to see what was left of the sac. I was shocked and devistated. Instead of sharing the best day of my life with me, my parents were in the lobby and I had to give them the news that there would not be a baby. I was a basket case at work the next day because my d/c was not scheduled until a few days after. I went to Euclid hospital and everyone was very nice to me. I was in a lot of pain afterwards physically and mentally. I stayed with my parents and took car rides to different places to fill the time. It made me realize why the best artists, musicians, and actors are the ones with the worst lives and most depression and pain. Their creativity comes from their pain. I channeled my pain into photography. I drove through cities, through the metroparks, and took long lonely walks trying to find the most beautiful places in Ohio. Anything to fill the void because I felt so empty inside. It helped heal me a little. The photography was a way to feel alive and let me feel like I could create something beautiful. The framed photos of autumn leaves and trees and pathways are hanging on my walls. Anyone who sees the pictures does not know their full meaning. I am the only one who knows the story of what and who the pictures represent. The miscarriage changed my life and who I am, it is now part of my life story.
This experience is one that you cannot begin to understand unless you have been through it. I thank you for your courage in sharing. I know the pictures remind you of the one you lost. Yesterday, I purchased an angel ornament for our tree as a reminder of our little one. It's a small thing, but I needed something. I'm sure you understand.
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