Most of you know that I've been a super busy student for the last few months, thus the decreased blogging. I am proud to report that I have not yet dropped out of school in spite of the excessive homework. This is probably the most difficult time I've had balancing my family. Work had set hours, so their was no interference with that time.
However, taking courses on line and taking care of my family have been quite challenging roles. For one, my littlest munchkin likes to press the power button as I'm pressing send on the screen. She is also fond of sitting on the keyboard while I'm typing papers. If that doesn't work, she just closes the laptop on my hands. Hmmm...
At times, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. "God, is this really what you want me to be doing at this stage of my life?" Then I realize that children have to learn that every hour of every day can not be dedicated to their every whim. There is nothing in the mommy handbook that says it should be. As long as I am taking care of their needs, and maybe a few wants, I have to let myself off the hook.
I am learning to invest in myself a little. I am working on not feeling guilty about it. I have learned that it is alright not to have a perfectly tidy home if it means I get to play with the kids when my homework is through. And so, for now, I will press toward the mark and persevere. Now if I can just decide what I want to be when I grow up...
How many of you find yourself comparing your appearance to others? I don't do this often, but I did it yesterday. What I'm sharing with you is deeply personal, so please handle it with kid gloves.
As you all know, I gave birth to our third child last year. Many people tell me that I look "great" or "you don't look like you've had three kids." I politely thank them and go on my way. While compliments are nice, they don't mean squat if you don't buy them.
Last night I attended my brother-in-law's wedding. So of course I was surrounded by young women with no husband and no children. Since Tre was in the wedding, I had the two younger children. The eldest was the flower girl, but became my charge after the ceremony. I did have some help from my sister-in-law and another one to be, but I they're lightweights! My kids wore us all out. They were tired and cranky, and I was almost to tears before it was all over. Anyway...
The waifs were everywhere. For the first real time, I felt like covering my gray hairs. I felt older and more tired and bigger than so many! It was a strange feeling for me, and I'm not sure why it hit when it did.
Perhaps it was the overly tight, overly short dresses were in huge supply. While I have never dressed like that, it was because of my morals, not because I couldn't pull it off. Now it's a little bit of both. Clothes cover a multitude of sins. Baby pouches are unglamorous, and when you hate crunches and love cheesecake as much as I, you may always have one! The other thing is that even though my scale tells me I am the same as I was before babies, the weight is distributed differently, and gravity is against me! I guess I can't be a convincing Catwoman this Halloween.
I guess it's a good thing I have a God that looks at me from the inside out and loves me anyway. If I decide to get serious about exercising, maybe I'll be the one in the short, slinky spandex at the next reception. Or maybe not.
This morning I wandered into the bathroom to get my day started. While in there I heard the cries of our precious baby. She's crawling now, so she has free reign of pretty much everywhere. She whined, and I cooed reassurances to her from beyond the door. As I spoke, I could hear her shuffling closer to the direction that my voice was coming from.
When I emerged from the door, her face lit up into a huge smile. She then proceeded to grab my pant leg and lift herself up to a standing position. When I hoisted her up onto my hip, all was right in her world. Tears ceased, and we were on our way.
At this age, it doesn't take much to make her happy. But as she grows older, I know the mere sound of my voice will not be enough to make everything better. As she grows in age, I pray that she grows in wisdom. I pray that just as she has complete faith in me right now, she will learn to place her faith in the One who made her. I pray that she will listen to and follow His voice.
Our firstborn attended her first sleepover several weeks ago. I can't believe how quickly she's growing up. When I mentioned the sleepover to another mom, she looked at me in dismay. I was confused. She said that she couldn't believe we let her go. Her concern was about whether or not there was an older boy in the house.
She told me about how fiercely protective she was of her only child. She expressed a desire to keep her daughter innocent for as long as possible. She also said that she was so protective because of what she had experienced during her childhood.
It is an evil world when you can't send your child to someone's home without worrying about a perverse father or older son who has an eye for little girls. While I was not as afraid as the mom I spoke to, I was relieved that there were no older sons in the home.
I am also thankful that God protects our daughter from all manner of evil. He is with her when we can't be and even when we are. He keeps her safe from danger at school, and I do not take it for granted. Because He does not leave her, I can feel at peace when I do.
Before our daughter was born, I had already decided to nurse her. They always say it's best, although I don't know if "they" have ever tried it. Warning, the following may not be for the faint of heart, but stick with me, I'm going somewhere.
The first day of nursing is filled with anticipation as the long awaited little bundle lays snuggled in your arms awaiting her first meal. I remember this day clearly with each of my children. As I wipe back tears of joy, I draw my child close to me and nourish her. But by the end of day one, those tears of joy have turned to tears of pain! Picture cracking, soreness and bleeding. Use your imagination.
Many days I wanted to reach for Enfamil. Other days I wanted to have my head examined. When the milk did not come, I wanted to give up. When I awakened in a pool of milk, I wanted to scream. When engorgement happened, the pain drove me toward a bottle. When, after all of this, my daughter refused to eat for no apparent reason, I was certain this sacrifice was too much for me to endure.
My husband encouraged me to persevere. He reminded me of the struggles I'd had with the other two and let me know it would all work out. I prayed. I cried. And prayed and cried some more. I'm pleased to say that it is working out. Everything is alright. I'm persevering, and it's paying off. Our daughter is healthy. She is growing exponentially. Praise God!
My point is this, I could have given up. Many times I wanted to do just that. It is often tempting to quit when it hurts. When love is painful, we want to throw in the towel. When a friend betrays us, we become reclusive. I'm learning to pray in the strangest of circumstances.
As I breathed through contractions, I prayed. As I subsequently pushed and felt every pain, I prayed, imploring God to help me to get through it. I knew that I couldn't do it in my own strength. I chose to nurse, and I chose to deliver naturally. For me, it was best. And when my alert baby looked at me for the first time with amazing clarity, I knew it was worth it!
When we struggle to endure, we should go to the God who never leaves us. We should realize that difficulty doesn't need to conquer us.
Many times it is necessary for us to go through the fire to get to the gold. If distractions are keeping you from quiet time with God, persevere. If you feel distant from Him, persevere. Don't let our enemy steal from you. Don't settle for second best. Push through the pain and persevere.
It feels so good to write again. Even as a I do so, a small person is resting in my lap. As her hand clasps my shirt, I feel incredibly blessed. I've missed writing. I'm so passionate about it, and I've felt a void in its absence. I have missed the camaraderie with my friends who enjoy my musings, and even those who don't enjoy them!
As most of you know, I safely delivered our third child on October 22nd! We are so thrilled and thankful beyond words. I have since been immersed in mothering. For the first time in years I feel like a real wife and mother. Most importantly, I feel like me again! I'm tired, but fulfilled. I am enjoying my life. I got to visit my husband at work in the middle of the day. Although my body aches, and I feel like I need a hip replacement, I am overjoyed! Sorry for all of the exclamation points, I'm just very happy.
As I transition into a new chapter of my life, I ask for your prayers. My husband is ministering to the youth at our church now (an answer to a long-time prayer), and I long to be by his side in service. I also wish to involve myself in women's ministry but feel pulled in too many directions. Right now I need not to worry, but my mind is not listening. I do trust God for His direction, but I have Him on my schedule. Fail! Please join me in prayer. There is a fire burning inside me, and I can't wait to see how God brings it to fruition. Trust Him with and for me. Stop by and say hello.
As my third trimester progresses, there are many thoughts that cross my mind. How much more can my skin stretch? What do my toes look like? Will this baby be early or on time? What will this delivery be like?
There are days when I'm so tired of being pregnant. The days when I am in pain for the entire day or when I'm so short of breath that I can barely function. My most recent feeling was one of sadness. The midwife started giving me delivery info and signs of labor. I realized that my pregnancy is on the downswing now. I'm pretty sure I probably won't be pregnant again after this one. So when I start thinking that I only have a handful of weeks left, I'm happy and sad.
Thoughts of postpartum depression and recovery after the delivery make me remember times past. But thankfully the overwhelming excitement of finally meeting this precious bundle who has been tap dancing on my bladder and distorting my stomach takes precedence. I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and feed her. This is a new chapter. I'm looking forward to being restored. I thanks God for second chances.
As a working mom of two young children, I'm pretty busy most of the time. Since we are expecting our third child, I think I've moved into a new category of people. I'm officially weird. For those of you who know me, you may say this has nothing to do with the children, but bear with me.
Many who see me often seemed surprised that I'm expecting another child. I'm not sure why. There's the obvious: You already have a boy and a girl. And your point is? I actually had someone tell me that they did not know I was expecting another one. They followed with, "Was it planned?" Wow. How bold and how very personal. What goes on in my bedroom is now the public's business!
I don't see the big deal. I'm happily married for over 9 years. We have jobs and support our own children. Our current children are happy and healthy. Did I mention, I'm married? People have asked me if I'm happy about the baby? How do you respond to such ludicrous questions?
I'm appalled that someone would ask me if my child was planned or if I'm happy about it. I should have answered in an equally insane way. "Actually this child is not mine, I've agreed to be a surrogate for a coworker. Don't worry, they're paying me well." The sad fact is that many would accept this answer better than that we simply wanted another child in spite of the fact that we have 1 boy and 1 girl already. Our society is so strange...
Our children are blessings, and I think I'd have 20 if we could afford it and if they didn't all come from me!
Apparently the internet brings adoptive children straight into your living room. I appreciate the aspect of convenience, but I find it slightly disturbing to be shopping for children as though they were a pair of shoes or a used DVD. Perhaps I am thinking the wrong way.
Unfortunately, there are many unwanted children born each day. While adoption is often "sold" as a great alternative to parenting, many of these children do not leave the child welfare system until they have aged out.
If I had lovingly placed my child for adoption and later found my child's face plastered on the internet with an advertisement under the picture, I would be devastated. The children are listed like job postings with dates to track updates. How would you feel to see your child's picture posted for months or even years?!
Please don't misunderstand me, I realize the intentions are very good. Anything that helps the child to be adopted... I just wonder if this affects the dignity of the children involved. Please let me know what you think.
Lately I've been feeling very pregnant. My body is changing rapidly, and my energy level is waning. Every day tasks require so much effort, and sciatica makes walking feel like torture at times! The 90+ temps and rain forest humidity levels make swelling inevitable. Breathing is challenging, and the so-called pregnancy glow just looks like overactive pores to me! But enough about the joys of pregnancy.
My precious daughter is coming along famously. She is very active, and has the same silly personality as he older sister and brother. I'm so excited to meet this precious child. In spite of the uncomfortableness of being pregnant in very hot weather, I still feel extremely blessed. I am dreaming about how my 3 children will interact with each other. How will this little girl look? What will she weigh at birth? What day will she be born? And after how many hours?! I enjoy sharing this with all of you. For those who have requested pictures, I'll have to think about that. No one tells a pregnant woman the truth about her appearance for fear of setting off a torrent of hormones! Although this fear does not seem to affect my oldest brother...
We've now entered our six month of pregnancy, and our little girl is rockin' and rollin'. She's a very active little munchkin. And according to pictures, very cute! But I'm slightly biased:) We are very grateful and excited.
While I'm very thrilled about the impending birth of our next child, I must say pregnancy changes as one gets older. Six years ago when our older daughter was born, it was a novel thing. When I was tired, I just took a nap. When I had a headache, I did the same. Now as a working mom of two, things are different. I don't have time to relax much. I can barely keep up with how far along I am! However, the anticipation of my older children makes it so much more fun.
Ironically, I'm watching MTVs16 and Pregnant while I write this. This girl is pregnant and has since split from her "stalkerish" boyfriend. She is so not ready to be a parent. She does not want to breastfeed because she is worried about her boobs sagging more. She doesn't realize that pregnancy alone will do that to you. She's also arguing with her mom that having a baby won't be so hard since they don't do anything! Wow!
Knowing the stresses that have come along with being pregnant, I can't imagine doing it as a child. My mind has been taxed so much. My emotions are all over the place. I'm exhausted and oft times overwhelmed. Thank God for my husband and children. They support me and keep me going. I hope this show helps teens examine one major possible consequence of premarital sex. The time for sugar-coating is over.
On the way to summer school, I was having my usual morning conversation with my little ones. This particular day we were discussing dental hygiene, specifically cavities. My precious daughter started asking questions about the process of fixing cavities. I told her that the doctor will numb your gums with a shot first and then drill into the tooth. She asked me if the shot would hurt. I told her it would hurt, but it was necessary to keep you from feeling the drill. She then said to me, "Mommy, I wanna be a shot cuz a shot hurts everything, but nothing hurts it." That struck me.
My daughter is terrified of shots. Her last well-child check-up was plagued with tears caused by anticipating a shot. The fact that she would want to be one tells me that she is starting to get a taste of what life can do to you. To her, a shot is invincible. Impenetrable. It was a hard statement for me to take as a mom.
She's been dealing with an older child with anger problems who doesn't keep her hands to herself. To date the child has punched her and slapped her in the face. I'm sure you can all imagine the self-control I've needed to use just to look at that girl each day without glowering. I admit that I haven't been that successful. My daughter is dealing with looking different. Having different hair.
I guess sometimes Jesus is our shot. Sometimes He numbs the pain. Other times He simply takes the edge off and helps us get through the process. Like earthly parents, our heavenly Father cares about our hurts. At times He must sit back and allow us to learn a lesson. Other times He intervenes. But always He is there to hold us in the end.
As you all know, we're expecting another baby. So we're thrilled and feeling so blessed. Well, lately I've been feeling more pregnant lately. My ears have been plugged, my sciatic nerve has been wreaking havoc on me! At times it's tempting to ignore the rhythmic wiggling in my womb and focus on the pain that sometimes encompasses me.
Today at work, I received a reality check. I noticed a pediatric patient with the diagnosis: ABSENT UTERUS. Whoa. How many times do you take your uterus for granted? How many of us complain about that time of the month? Another young patient had amenorrhea, the absence of a cycle. How often do we just assume that we will get pregnant exactly when we want to? We test time and believe the eggs will produce when called upon. If that doesn't work, just buy eggs or get a surrogate. But I digress.
My point is that a uterus is a blessing. So is the dreaded monthly cycle. Without them, we cannot become mothers. For me, motherhood is filled with highs and lows, joys and pains. So today, I'm so thankful for my uterus. Our uterus also provides another blessing! Use your imagination. Sorry male readers, but if you have little ones, you are thankful for a uterus, too!
Yesterday I was blessed to spend an entire day at my 6 year old's school. There was a luau taking place and parents were invited to help out or simply enjoy the fun. I'd contemplated taking the day off to join in the festivities. For those of us mothers with careers, we are well aware of the balancing act between work and family. Since we are currently short staffed and overworked, I considered those facts also. So, in the end, I decided to follow my heart and help out, and I have no regrets.
I had an opportunity to laugh a lot. I saw my child in silly outfits and listened to her sweet voice over the throng of the others as they sang to us. She smiled so much, and was so happy to look out and see her parents and grandmother in the crowd. I am overjoyed that I was there. My little girl is truly a blessing. My family is truly probably the greatest reminder that God cares about me. Anytime I am tempted to forget that, I can look at my little ones.
I've noticed my own theme of blessings lately. It wasn't planned, but I guess it's the overflow from my heart. Every day we are faced with choices. Sometimes they are life and death. Others simply leave us with regrets if we choose the wrong way. In this case, I'm so thankful that I made the right choice. I'm thankful that I had a choice. I noticed several children without parents they and realized that perhaps they were not permitted to take time off.
There are many people who do not favor women working. I'm not here to argue with them. I am willing to say that wives are placed as helpers for her husband. Is is not possible that this help often comes in the form of employment? Staying at home has pros and cons for all parties involved. They are not clear cut. It is important that women respect and support each other regardless of how we take care of our families. Whether we stay home, work part or full-time.
If you're wondering why I did not write yesterday, I have a good excuse. Yesterday, we got a chance to see our unborn baby. I now have a face to go with the wiggly movements I've been feeling. It was amazing. The sheer wonderment never ceases, no matter how many times I've been here before. If I wasn't a bum, I'd try to scan in pics for you all to see. For now, imagination will have to suffice.
The perfectly crafted spine, the symmetrical cranium, the life-giving blood flow, the wonderful complement of ten fingers and toes. All seen in spectacular detail. Our children and my mom shared in this with us. What a blessing. Watching the fascination in the eyes of our little ones as they "met" their new sibling for the first time warmed my heart.
I do not take for granted the clean bill of health given to our baby. No abnormalities seen on the ultrasound. Thank you God! The organs are beautiful. The bones are long and straight. As one who sees anomalies on a daily basis, I have untold knowledge of the various things than could go wrong. So tonight I'm overjoyed. The melodious sound of my baby's heartbeat echoing in my ears... God's little rainbow of promise to me.
Today we celebrate mothers. I'm thankful to have mine. I'm also overwhelmed by the joy of being a mom myself. I saw a marquis today that stated, "A mother's love is second only to God's love." How very true that is. I have learned much about unconditional love from mothering. It's a requirement.
I have learned to see the sun on the cloudiest of days. I have 2 and a mini reminders of God's love for me. What a privilege to be a mom. What immense responsibilities. To all of you who are mothers, I hope your day was filled with joy and endless memories. To all of you who want to be mothers, may God give you your heart's desire according to His will. Happy Mother's Day.
So lately I've been so distracted. For those of you who visit me regularly, you know I try to post consistently. Thank you, btw, to those of you who visit often. I really do appreciate it. Feel free to spread the word . But I digress. Anyway. I've had many things on my mind. Work. The new baby. The future. God's plan for me. My daughter's self-confidence. Traveling. You get the picture.
When this happens, my schedule gets all crazy. I simply forgot to write. So I'm just gonna share a little. This week has been hectic. Work has been hectic and stressful. I've been wondering when God will provide a ram in the bush. I would also like to help my daughter with her fears. At times she is so hesitant to try new or difficult things. I guess it bothers me because I feel that kids should be fearless. Most times I feel that I should do more, and the guilt of being a working mom takes its place in my psyche.
I've also, sadly, spent some time worrying about my unborn baby. While the pregnancy is progressing fine, I can't know right now if it's healthy and whole. I should not be concerned, but the geneticist in me knows too much info. With the previous loss, I'm a bit more paranoid. And while others are praying for me, I still struggle and ask God to forgive me for not trusting Him enough.
So now that you know a little about what's going on with me, maybe the picture is a little clearer. I will remind myself to focus and share my heart with each of you. For those that I know personally, I thank you for your friendship and support. For those that I do not, I thank you also and look forward to continuing our very long distance relationship. God bless you. May His grace and mercy smile on you. May His Light guide your footsteps as I know He will continue to guide mine also.
Most girls have probably seen this show on TLC at one time or another. With the day off today, I have spent some time watching it. I was hooked when I was pregnant with our daughter. I haven't watched much over the years. After experiencing the pain for myself, watching on TV has lost some of it's luster. So why now? Well, in about 6 months, I expect to be a mother again! I'm so excited. We all are. But I would be lying if I said I haven't already experienced intense anxiety.
After losing our baby last fall, I became consumed with conceiving again. I had to pray for control, because each month, I would cry when I wasn't pregnant. I've never experienced anything like this before. I knew that I simply wanted to squelch the loss I was feeling inside. My husband helped me calm down and let God have his way.
In February, the test was positive! I was so thrilled. Then I was gripped by terror. What if I lose this one too? What if something is wrong with my baby? What were we thinking? I knew these thoughts were not from God, but they were real. I had to speak to myself and pray a lot. So when I was at work just 10 days later and felt weird, my emotions went into a tale spin. My abdomen was tight, and I was spotting. My left side was going numb, and I was urinating uncontrollably. As the discharge changed from pink to brown to red, I began to prepare myself for another loss. I held back the tears until I got home. When I let loose, I tried to keep it from Tre. I finally told him what was happening and how I felt.
Our daughter had a Mother/Daughter Tea that we were supposed to attend that night. I had so looked forward to it, but when the time came, I was feeling miserable physically and emotionally. Although we went, I had to tell this sweet girl that I just wasn't feeling well. She said, "I hope you have fun, Mommy." I love her so.
When we returned, the discomfort still had not subsided. It was worse. I called the office again. I was told to drink water and try to rest. It was hard to rest. I was scheduled for an appointment the next morning. The drive to the hospital was somber. Tre stared straight ahead. I tried to think happy thoughts. I gave a urine specimen and we went in for an ultrasound. It was normal! Tears filled my eyes as we squeezed each other's hands. So what was wrong with me? A severe urinary tract infection and dehydration. The combination made my uterus and bladder contract together. It mimicked the feeling and symptoms of a miscarriage. I could do nothing but praise God for answering my prayer my way this time. While I had tried to prepare for the worst, I really wasn't ready.
So since then, I've had blood work and ultrasounds. I've seen and heard the heartbeat. It has been quite a ride so far. God is using this pregnancy to strengthen my faith. I'm struggling with worry. Will the baby survive to term and will he or she be alright? I've had labor concerns, and I've done this twice before! Since I've just started my second trimester, I'm feeling some relief. My baby bump is blooming, and I feel good. The irony is that my due date coincides with the loss of our 3rd child. God will turn that time of mourning into one of joy. It is a sign of my faith to share this with you. It forces me to let go of my fears and trust God no matter what.
There is a process know as PGD, or Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis. It has been around for almost twenty years now, according to Wikipedia. The idea is that a couple undergoing IVF is able to "choose" which sex a child is before implantation. Since I am a scientist, I have always found this process fascinating, but I've always had concerns about the uses of this technology.
In my work, I often see the amnios of women who've undergone fertility treatments. The result is often multiples, and they frequently want genetic testing to search for sex and any abnormalities. If a child is the wrong sex, or has a genetic defect, they are often aborted. PGD will enable a couple to learn of these things before implantation occurs. Therefore producing a custom pregnancy, so to speak. In the news, two clinics are boasting of there abilities to provide "designer" babies. You can now choose eye color, hair color and even height and intellect! The ethical implications are terrifying and unconscionable. Technology is a blessing that God gave us. In the wrong hands, this will be disastrous. Creation is God's alone. When doctors and parents play God, the results will be catastrophic.
Last weekend while going through my daughter's binder, I found another assignment for me. Late Sunday, I realized that my child was supposed to dress up as a Dr. Seuss character to celebrate his birthday. Since, I didn't really have anything handy, she and I headed out into the cold rain to search for something to make her look like "Thing 2", per her request. All I was looking for was a red sweatshirt and matching pants. Easy enough, right? Well, all of the stores think it's spring already, in spite of the cold weather in snow. In the end, I had to buy a pattern and fabric.
We came home, and I painstakingly tried to break in my new sewing machine. Not to mention, I haven't sewn in more than a decade. Once I couldn't figure out how to thread the bobbin or even how to get it out of the casing. Just as I was prepared to use force, I figured it out. After staying up past my bedtime and pulling out several defective stitches, I realized that school would be canceled due to the snow. Fast forward, 2 snow days later, the outfit is finally done! My child will be the cutest little "Thing 2" ever. One problem, I have no idea when to send her dressed up. What a dilemma.
So what did I learn? I learned about sacrificial love. I was exhausted and frustrated, and at times hated my life while I was fighting with the machine. But I knew it would make her happy. Love is definitely not selfish. Love is hard sometimes. The alternative would have left me with a very sad and disappointed little girl. So, I'm grateful for Dr. Seuss birthday. I got a chance to remember how much I enjoy sewing. I was able to use my talents to create something for my daughter. She's thrilled. I am too. When we learn to love per Jesus' example, love works.
