When Everything is Lost

Have you ever been angry with God?  Have you ever blamed Him for your suffering or wondered if He was mad at you?  I have.  I admit it.  Though trials are a part of life, they are never easy to endure.  It is easy to feel abandoned, unloved and frustrated.  I've been learning lessons from a man who was undeserving of suffering but found himself holding the short straw.

Job was a man who lost his wealth and his children.  His body was covered in sores.  His own wife turned on him, and his friends were useless during his troubles.  Though he cried out to God for answers, he did not turn His back on God.  He was honest in his request for explanations.  He was even ready to die rather than continue to suffer.

Few of us have been through trials like Job, but some of us have.  We have endured the loss of a spouse or a child.  We have been assaulted by someone we trusted.  We have been through a painful divorce or faced financial ruin.  No matter what we've been through, God promises to walk with us through it and never leave us. (Deut. 31:6)  Sometimes that promise may be the only encouragement you have in your storm.  God gives us the strength to hold onto it.  Rest in that tonight.  I know I will.

Loss

My life has been a whirlwind of activity lately. For those of you who know me personally, you may know that I lost my last living grandparent last week. My grandmother was a constant presence in my life, and I already miss her dearly. Although she had been ill for some time, her death was still a shock. She seemed to be improving. The grieving began quickly as the tears began to flow.

My mother was devastated. Both of her parents are gone now. Her pain was palpable, and comforting her was a challenge. But thank God for the ultimate Comforter we find in the Holy Spirit.

So, I thank each of you for all of your kind words and thoughts and prayers. I have felt the warmth of your love envelop me. I have not felt alone. Thank you for your kindness.

I also have so much to say my experiences with my extended family over the last 2 weeks. Whew! Stay tuned...

15 years to Life

The raw emotion I feel right now is indescribable. I'm not sure how it came up, but my husband and I were talking... One thing led to another, and I found myself remembering people from back home. There are several that I've known who started out on a relatively straight path and fallen off track along the way.

The reminiscence led me to a young man I once knew back in high school. He was always nice and polite. Seemed like a good kid. He was convicted of murder a few years ago. Fifteen years to life. He still has many years to go before he is eligible for parole. His grandparents are good, God-fearing people. Pillars of the community. I will not provide more details in order to protect the family's privacy.

I think of kids that I knew who were victims of drug-related gun violence. Snuffed out in their youth. I remember them growing up in children's church.


As a parent, my heart is hurting right now. These children had mothers, grandmothers, aunts and maybe even a church family who loved them.

These crimes were not premeditated. They happened in the blink of an eye. Choices were made. The wrong ones.

How many of us have made bad choices? The ones that we look back on and say, "Whoa, that was close." The ones we are so glad our parents don't know about. The ones we can't forgive ourselves for even though 10 years have past.

I am thanking God right now for His grace. For my parents' love and guidance. For the Holy Spirit's whispering into my soul. I thank Him that I can empathize with those whose choices have landed them in the system. Why? Because some of those names are people I knew once upon a time. Because, if not for God's grace and mercy upon me, one fit of rage could have landed me in a similar circumstance.

If you know someone who is locked up, do not judge. We're not qualified. Pray for their children and parents. Pray that they could see God's provision even in the most dire circumstance. Pray that the "prison religion" they find will last a lifetime, and they will truly be restored, rehabilitated and reformed.

Without Hope

I wasn't planning to write today, but I came across a story that brought me to a stop. It is the saddest, most horrific thing I have seen. Possibly in my life. The story is so sad, my heart breaks for total strangers. The events took place in California. A man and his wife were apparently let go from their jobs after filing a union grievance. As the parents of 5 young children and owners of a home, they felt hopeless and destitute. They apparently planned a murder/suicide as a "final escape" for their family. The story is heartbreaking.

If only they had known God's promises to supply all of their needs. If only someone had realized they were in need of help and reached out to this young family. In Jeremiah 29:11, it says: "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." NLT (YouVersion)

While I can't understand why parents allow their own despair to cause them to kill their own children, I imagine their hearts must have been so heavy. If only they could have reached out to someone. Was no one willing to help this desperate family? Perhaps even a caring counselor could have helped.

I do hope this will make each one of us pay more attention to others instead of being obsessed with our own problems. We never know what hopelessness will do to someone. Without knowing the entire saga, I can only wonder and speculate... Please join me in praying for the survivors of this tragedy.

And my God will supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19 NASB)

Maybe I spoke too soon

Lately, I have been feeling like I have post partum depression, only the crib is empty. It honestly doesn't seem fair. As the hcg in my blood has gone down, so have my spirits. It's kind of weird to feel this way without having had a baby.

While I do feel that progress has been made, I had a set-back yesterday. I had to have my blood drawn for the third time to check my hcg. That was bad enough. When I arrived at the daycare, our son's teacher asked me how I was feeling. I knew what she meant, so I told her and the other teacher that I had lost the baby. Of course they were sweet and sympathetic, but things like that make it hard for me to move ahead.

I want to cry about everything, even being stuck in traffic. Pray for me. I need to get back to my old self. But there is good news. Today The Biggest Loser comes on! That makes me happy!

Moving in a Positive Direction

On Thursday I had an appointment. It was what should have been my first real appointment of the pregnancy. I was to meet the midwife and learn about labor and delivery at the hospital. Instead, I was scheduled for another ultrasound to make sure that there was nothing left of my baby. Let's just say that Thursday was not a good day for me.

The good news is, everything is pretty much gone. The bad news is, everything is pretty much gone. It does not look like I will need a D&C. An answered prayer. But now, I'm not pregnant any more, and I want to be. I've been doing okay. The physical pain has ceased, although emotional damage has been done. I am doing my best... I should say, WE are doing our best to move forward one day at a time. Some days I laugh, some days, I cry. At times, it's a little of both. For now, that's the best I can do. But, I will not despair. I have much to be thankful for, and I try to focus on those things right now.

The Process

I am learning a lot as I go through the process of losing a child. The physical pain is a surprise to me. Each day, I lose a little bit more in a way that is very painful. This pain makes it a little harder to get through the range of emotions that I am experiencing.

My family and friends have been very supportive and encouraging. I know that in the end, it's up to me how I get through this. I have to choose to allow God to heal me. I am learning so much about life right now. I have already changed my perspective and my priorities. Before this, I was working so hard. Now it just doesn't seem to matter. Funny how life can change so fast.

A Drastic Change of Plans

I had planned to chronicle my third pregnancy on my blog. I was going to talk about the highs and lows and weird symptoms. However, yesterday that all changed.

I learned that I am miscarrying our third child as I speak. It came as a crushing blow that sent me into a tale spin of emotions. I saw the empty amniotic sac on a large wall television, and my heart broke. I never knew I could feel physical pain like that in my heart until then. So instead of chronicles of joy, I will talk about my process of grief and how God is bringing me through it. We were so excited, and this change of events is hard to accept. Everyone says it's God's will. Admittedly, I am having a hard time coping with that right now with my empty womb.

If you know someone whose recently had a miscarriage, don't ask her if she's okay. She's not. I'm not, but I will be. God promised not to leave or forsake me, and I plan to hold Him to it.