Loving the Unlovable

So lately I've been struggling with loving my coworkers.  If you work in a female dominated environment, you understand the effects of estrogen overload as well as I do.

Between backstabbing and mood swings, I am up to my ears with these chicks!

I told myself that I could just keep it professional.  There is no need for miscellaneous conversations that have nothing to do with the job.  I do not have to smile at pictures of your children or listen to stories about your weekend.  All I have to do is do my job and go home.  Right?

Maybe not.

Is that love?  Probably not.  I don't generally hate to be around those that I love.  I don't generally expect sabotage from those I love.   I am not generally intolerant or dismissive to those I love.  Soooooo, this is is probably not love.

So how do you balance loving your coworkers while protecting yourself at the same time.  Let's face it, work relationships can be dog-eat-dog, so it is necessary to use wisdom.

Step 1.  Grace.  Give them the benefit of the doubt.  Don't be paranoid.
Step 2.  Be kind.  Don't allow others to change you.
Step 3.  Pray.  A lot.
Step 4.  Love.  God told us to, and it's required of us.  We don't deserve it, but He gives it anyway.

When I feel annoyed, I look in the mirror.  I realize that I'm unlovable sometimes, but I still need love.

It Could Always Be Worse

"It could always be worse." This used to be one of Tre's favorite statements to me. I say "used to" because he doesn't say it much any more. I'm thankful because I always wanted to smack him hard when he'd say it. Not because I didn't believe it but because I wasn't interested in hearing it at the time. When you're feeling sorry for yourself, you want to be left alone.

As I sat down to write, I realized that it's been several days since I talked to my younger brother and his wife. I've been getting updates on my nephew here and there, but no chats. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately with the husband, kids, work and church. The house looks like a tornadic hurricane blew through it. I finally got my hair done, so I look a little less like a corpse. I've had short patience for dealing with nonsense. I'm just downright tired of foolishness in every area of my life. In the midst of my frustration, I haven't been praying as much as I should.

I've neglected to send thoughtful texts and pray constantly for the health of my precious nephew. It's not that I don't pray for him and his sister and parents, I just think I've been too focused on the mayhem in my life right now and have temporarily lost focus of the things that matter the most. After hearing about the past 7 days in my brother's life, I am reminded that my stress does not begin to compare to what they are dealing with. God has gently reminded me that he is ordering my steps each day and that He will bear my burdens. He is shifting my focus from my situation to that of my nephew. I am thankful for that. Praying for him is a more constructive way to spend my time.

It turns out that Tre was right. Don't tell him I said so please. It is easy to feel sorry for myself. It is easy to selfishly focus on my stresses and neglect those of others in the process. I don't want to be selfish any more. Thank you Lord for knocking some sense into me and telling me to get over myself.

Bear With Me

Bear with this uncharacteristically long post. I'm going somewhere. My life is in a state of flux right now. My heart and mind are filled with thoughts that are dying to be posted, yet unfortunately many remain in the digital camera of my mind's eye. I know each of you can relate to the mayhem that ensues in our lives each day.

There are jobs that stress us out (if we let them). There are responsibilities in trying to keep your house from being declared a national disaster area (at which I'm failing miserably). Then there are the children who have more needs than a patient in a convalescent home (and I love them so dearly)! And let me not neglect to mention my handsome husband, the youth pastor/soccer coach/life coach/daddy daycare/... (who keeps me the busiest of all)!

Right now, me head is so full of hats that many of my thoughts have been lost under all of them. I am desperately working towards more structure and less clutter (in my brain, that is). I am paring down our schedules to include only essential things, however, I'm thinking we have a few too many "essentials" right now. Tre and I are also communicating and praying during this time of transitions to make sure that we don't get disconnected and lost in the fray.

As the only daughter of a busy pastor (my dad works full-time and still serves his parishioners), I watched the business in his life. I watched him work all day, come straight to my track meet, then rush off to the hospital before going home. I'm not sure when he ate. I remember him contemplating vacations because someone in the flock was sick in the hospital, and he was concerned about being too far away. I watched him come home with his work goggles and burned shirt (from sparks flying), rush up to shower and change in time to pick up kids for children's church. I could literally go on for hours, but it isn't necessary to make my point.

While I love the members of his church as much as my family, I did not always want to share him with them. Plus church folks aren't the easiest group of people to love. I got sick of leaving practice early to get to church. I got tired of feeling like I lived there sometimes. So I started talking to God a long time ago.

Dear God, I see how my dad is stretched so thin. I see the strain that it puts on my mom. I see how tired he is. I realize that emergencies happen, but couldn't they wait until after our vacation? Why do we need to get home early from dinner on Saturday night so that he can prepare his sermon? And God, if you love me at all, please, please, please don't let me marry a pastor. I think I repeated that part a few times for good measure. Amen.

Some of you are probably laughing right now. But I'm not, and I wasn't then either. I was dead serious. So much so that I immediately burst into loud sobs when two individual people spoke a prophecy over my now husband (then boyfriend), that he would be a pastor. I did not want that life for myself or my children. Don't knock me unless you've been there. A pastor is expected to be so many things for so many people! His children and wife make innumerable sacrifices. The phone doesn't stop ringing, and you can't call-screen them like telemarketers.

While I'm aware that to many, ministry is noble, it is not easy. Many sacrifices are required, and unlike traditional work, there is usually no tangible (earthly) bonus received for an extraordinary job. When we first started serving youth, we were much younger and more carefree. We had no children and few responsibilities. Fast forward 10 years , and we are like clowns juggling at the circus sometimes. Pray for me as we learn to prioritize. As we work to serve the people in our church, let us not forget to serve one another and our children FIRST. Let us always use God as our filter for priorities. Let us avoid burn-out, because this work must be done, and we want to do it to the fullest ability that God allows. We are willing. We love our God and our youth! (and their parents, too)

The Stuff that Matters

The other day I was chatting with two coworkers about the workplace politics and allowing stuff to get the best of you. It's so easy to get bogged down in all of the things that are wrong in a workplace, really any place. I told them that I've seen quite a few people come and go in our department. The ones who let it get the best of them don't last.

I spoke from experience. I was the one who was letting it get the best of me. I was letting bitterness set in. I was frustrated everyday. I expected changes and logical steps that most likely were never going to happen. Meanwhile, I was letting those frustrations make me cranky. I was complaining constantly, and things remained the same.

After I miscarried, there was a switch that clicked inside of me. Why are you allowing things that don't matter to control your happiness? When my hip refused to heal after childbirth, and I struggled with mobility. I had repeated difficulties with my disability process. When I quit worrying and stressing, God took over. When my nephew was diagnosed with cancer, a transformation began inside me.

Most of the things I allow to plague me are not life and death. Sadly, most aren't even important in the grand scheme of things. I've been making a conscious effort to enjoy everyday. Especially the time I spend with my family. I've been taking time to smell the roses. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm getting there. Just the other day my friend said that she's noticed a calm about me lately. It made me smile. It means the changes is noticeable, and I thank God for it.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Even the stuff that seems insurmountable. If it is truly beyond our control, we have to accept that. God knows the outcome. He sees the whole picture while we see only what's in front of us. Greater still, He controls all. He has the ability to alter situations in unimaginable ways in the blink of an eye. I'm so glad He is who holds my future. Rest in that today.

The Green Mile

After many glorious weeks with my precious baby, it is time to return to work. Although I knew this day would come, I can't say that I have looked forward to it. I mean, what is there to look forward to? Workplace drama, sore feet and headaches?

I'm at that place where I'm thankful for a paycheck but could do without the politics. I enjoy most of the people I work with, and I like the work that I do.

My prayer is for a positive attitude and much peace. I'm praying for a smooth transition and a beautiful work-life balance. I'm trusting God to be with me as a walk the green mile and return to the lion's den (in my case, lionesses).

Precious Blessings

Yesterday I was blessed to spend an entire day at my 6 year old's school. There was a luau taking place and parents were invited to help out or simply enjoy the fun. I'd contemplated taking the day off to join in the festivities. For those of us mothers with careers, we are well aware of the balancing act between work and family. Since we are currently short staffed and overworked, I considered those facts also. So, in the end, I decided to follow my heart and help out, and I have no regrets.

I had an opportunity to laugh a lot. I saw my child in silly outfits and listened to her sweet voice over the throng of the others as they sang to us. She smiled so much, and was so happy to look out and see her parents and grandmother in the crowd. I am overjoyed that I was there. My little girl is truly a blessing. My family is truly probably the greatest reminder that God cares about me. Anytime I am tempted to forget that, I can look at my little ones.

I've noticed my own theme of blessings lately. It wasn't planned, but I guess it's the overflow from my heart. Every day we are faced with choices. Sometimes they are life and death. Others simply leave us with regrets if we choose the wrong way. In this case, I'm so thankful that I made the right choice. I'm thankful that I had a choice. I noticed several children without parents they and realized that perhaps they were not permitted to take time off.

There are many people who do not favor women working. I'm not here to argue with them. I am willing to say that wives are placed as helpers for her husband. Is is not possible that this help often comes in the form of employment? Staying at home has pros and cons for all parties involved. They are not clear cut. It is important that women respect and support each other regardless of how we take care of our families. Whether we stay home, work part or full-time.

Brain Dead

So lately I've been so distracted. For those of you who visit me regularly, you know I try to post consistently. Thank you, btw, to those of you who visit often. I really do appreciate it. Feel free to spread the word . But I digress. Anyway. I've had many things on my mind. Work. The new baby. The future. God's plan for me. My daughter's self-confidence. Traveling. You get the picture.

When this happens, my schedule gets all crazy. I simply forgot to write. So I'm just gonna share a little. This week has been hectic. Work has been hectic and stressful. I've been wondering when God will provide a ram in the bush. I would also like to help my daughter with her fears. At times she is so hesitant to try new or difficult things. I guess it bothers me because I feel that kids should be fearless. Most times I feel that I should do more, and the guilt of being a working mom takes its place in my psyche.

I've also, sadly, spent some time worrying about my unborn baby. While the pregnancy is progressing fine, I can't know right now if it's healthy and whole. I should not be concerned, but the geneticist in me knows too much info. With the previous loss, I'm a bit more paranoid. And while others are praying for me, I still struggle and ask God to forgive me for not trusting Him enough.

So now that you know a little about what's going on with me, maybe the picture is a little clearer. I will remind myself to focus and share my heart with each of you. For those that I know personally, I thank you for your friendship and support. For those that I do not, I thank you also and look forward to continuing our very long distance relationship. God bless you. May His grace and mercy smile on you. May His Light guide your footsteps as I know He will continue to guide mine also.

How Weight Affects How I Feel About Me

I was reading about Jessica Alba, an actress who recently had a baby. She talked about the difficulty of her workouts. She was so adamant about regaining her pre-baby body that she worked herself into tears. All of this was so she could be "perfect" for a photo shoot. Apparently the workouts were more painful than the delivery, she recently told People magazine. She also shares her secrets for looking slimmer.

So this made me think... My friend and I gave birth one month apart back in 2003. When she returned to work, she looked great! She told me that she had a good girdle. I bought one immediately. One of my greatest fears about having a baby was gaining weight that I could never get rid of. We've all heard people say, "She really let herself go". Thankfully, someone else told me that nursing was a built-in way to lose the weight after baby. It was also true. I was pleasantly surprised.

So, now that I am over thirty, my metabolism has slowed down, but my love for eating hasn't! While my clothes still fit, sometimes I feel "heavy". So I have started to pay more attention to my meals. Not how much, but the content. Being a working mom sometimes causes me to compromise the quality of meals. I'm sure many of you know what I'm speaking of.

So while I refuse to work myself to tears, I do have a responsibility to care for the body I was given. Staying at my current size makes me feel good about what I see in the mirror. While I'm far from obsessed, I am paying more attention. I'm practicing better eating habits for health and wellness. I'm also learning not to be so hard on myself. I can't compare myself to millionaires who spend fortunes on lipo, trainers and botox. I also cannot airbrush myself before leaving each day. So I guess I have to get used to the changes childbirth brought and thank God for my little cherubs each time I see a stretch mark!

I Know What Sausage Links Feel Like

The other day I put on one of my favorite pairs of jeans. Usually when they get washed, it takes a few hours for them to loosen up and fit perfectly again. However, after wearing them all day, they still felt like I may need to be surgically removed from them. The button hole seemed to have magically moved too far away from the button. The zipper kept "sticking". The thigh portion shrunk! I was appalled. Especially when I realized the problem isn't the jeans.

Every year I look forward to the holidays so that I can eat like food is going out of style. However, I'm not as young as I once was, and my metabolism is not my friend. I tend to exercise in spurts. I love food, so I eat what I want. While I don't eat large portions usually, I never met a milkshake I didn't like. I'm all about moderation, and I think diet is a bad word. But... I think the time has come for me to exercise more regularly. Perhaps Wii Sports doesn't really count. Maybe I should eat oatmeal instead of donuts or muffins for breakfast.

While this all sounds good in theory, I don't know if I will really change. While I like exercise, I don't like getting up early. I wake before 5:30 for work as it is. What's a girl to do?

I guess I am forced to regard my body as the temple that it is. (I Cor 3:16)
It is a gift from God, no matter how big or small. Even if I am a little fluffier than I'd like to be, I still love me. I am paying more attention to my fruit and veggie intake. I think I'll play more Wii Sports. Someday maybe we'll even find Wii Fit. In gratitude and obedience to God, I will exhibit more self-control in caring for my body. Pray hard girls. Cheesecake calls to me!

Zipper Photo courtesy of Insashi via Flickr Creative Commons

Working Woman

Have you ever been tired of being tired? Lately I've been feeling that a lot. I work full-time outside of our home. We have two young children. I feel that there are never enough hours in the day. My house is never clean enough, the meals are rarely nutritious enough. I find myself longing for a break or a big cry. Do any of you ever feel like that?

I enjoy my work [most of the time;)], and we need the income right now, but I wish I could do it all better. What's a girl to do? I think mothers, whether we stay home or not, are always feeling guilty for one reason of another. I think we are very hard on ourselves. It's very hard to prioritize the many things expected of us in a 24 hour period.

We miss out on doing many of the things we enjoy, like sleeping and relaxing, because we are often busy meeting someone else's needs. I have hundreds of pictures trapped in digital world just waiting to be printed and placed in an album. I think I'll get that done by the time I'm a grandmother! More later...

My volunteer job

I work outside of our home full time. But the job I should be getting paid for is the one that takes place off the clock. My kids, as cute as they are, sometimes make me want to give them away to gypsies. They are so demanding and loud. They're always fighting and yelling at each other. If you have little ones, you know the drill.

But they are so funny! I was talking to our daughter, and she asked if I'd gotten something for her. I said, "Uh, duh!" So her little brother chimes in and repeats me. It was so cute because he's only two, so many things that he says require translation. This was crystal clear.

Parenting can be so frustrating and challenging. They ask questions that I can't answer. They evoke emotions that seem unnatural. But at the end of the day, you can't imagine life without them.

I guess kids are compensation enough on their own.