Drop Out?

Most of you know that I've been a super busy student for the last few months, thus the decreased blogging. I am proud to report that I have not yet dropped out of school in spite of the excessive homework. This is probably the most difficult time I've had balancing my family. Work had set hours, so their was no interference with that time.

However, taking courses on line and taking care of my family have been quite challenging roles. For one, my littlest munchkin likes to press the power button as I'm pressing send on the screen. She is also fond of sitting on the keyboard while I'm typing papers. If that doesn't work, she just closes the laptop on my hands. Hmmm...

At times, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. "God, is this really what you want me to be doing at this stage of my life?" Then I realize that children have to learn that every hour of every day can not be dedicated to their every whim. There is nothing in the mommy handbook that says it should be. As long as I am taking care of their needs, and maybe a few wants, I have to let myself off the hook.

I am learning to invest in myself a little. I am working on not feeling guilty about it. I have learned that it is alright not to have a perfectly tidy home if it means I get to play with the kids when my homework is through. And so, for now, I will press toward the mark and persevere. Now if I can just decide what I want to be when I grow up...

The Miracles in My Day

Because of "corporate downsizing", I've been thrust into an environment of sadness and despair. Many people are walking around like the world is ending very soon. Like death is eminent. The days have grown long. At times I have difficulty wanting to walk into the building. So I've begun to talk to God and myself a lot more.

What are the miracles in my day? The mere fact that I have a day is a miracle that isn't promised to all people. The fact that I wake up each morning unaided by an alarm. The fact that once I'm awake, I can open up my eyes and see the sunlight peaking through my window. I can hear the weather man as he tells me to grab a jacket on my way out. I can climb out of bed without a cane or wheelchair. The bed I sleep in is indoors. It is inside of the 4 walls of a house that is ours, well, technically we borrow it from the bank.

When I walk into the bathroom, like magic, the lights come on. In the shower, warm water cascades. When I wake up my daughter for school, she sits up on her own and stretches as she comes to life each morning. She performs well in school. Our fridge has food. Our car is owned and has gas in the tank (most mornings). I drive her to school and me to work accident free. When I arrive at my job my badge works as I swipe in signaling another day closer to payday.

Although the list could go on for hours, it isn't necessary. The routine of our days may seem endless at times, but many people would kill for a routine of any kind. For the parent of a severely ill child, routine is comforting and coveted. So let us stop complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves, let's pause and contemplate the miracles of our day. They may seem insignificant, but try living life without them.

Photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/hemflock/

When Prayers Aren't Enough

Since learning that my young nephew has cancer, I've experienced severe emotions. The first were shock and disbelief. At times I've been gripped by fear. I've also felt helpless. That one tends to linger. I've been praying like I've never prayed before, but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough.

When I read posts from my sister-in-law and her pain is palpable, I feel helpless and sad. When I receive a text from my little brother about the intense sadness he sees in his only son, my heart breaks again and again. I want to make this go away. Prayer doesn't feel like enough.

I am constantly encouraged by their strength and trust in God through this, but I wish this journey never had to begin. Why God? I look at my own children and have irrational thoughts. If you're a parent, you know the responsibility we feel to protect our children from everything. We put a lot of faith in our ability to do so. When illness strikes, our resolve is tested. When we look in the mirror, we see frailty and weakness. Prayer doesn't feel like enough.

His word tells us that His power is made perfect in our weakness. I guess that should be comforting, but someone it isn't right now. I know it will be eventually. But right now, I don't want to feel this sad. I want my nephew healed, and I want it right now. And I want to pray for God's will, but I'm too afraid to do so. I believe in His power, but I don't always understand it. I know that He is sovereign, and I know that I am weak right now. Lord, help me to trust in your perfect power. Help me to know that prayer is enough.

Seriously??!! Not again!

Thursday. The day before Friday. A day I looked forward to with great anticipation. Meeting a friend at Trader Joe's. Making a stop at Old Navy's winter clearance. Sounds like a wonderful plan. That's just where I went wrong. I had a plan.

Our 6 year-old neglected most of her homework until Thursday which meant I had to scramble to help her after working and feeling sick all day. Not happy. Anyway, I finally got all of the children to sleep when I received a message. My husband, was hit by a deer. Yes, the deer hit him! There were many of them, one rogue deer got spooked and took off into his side of the car. It actually took off the mirror and dented the vehicle. It left behind some hair and some slobber on the window. The other thing it left was a frightened wife and a frustrated husband.

Rewind. Over ten years ago, Tre was traveling to NC from OH alone. I got a call from him late at night saying that he'd hit a huge buck that came through the and broke out most of the glass. He was spared but continues to have strange headaches to this day. I was scared out of my mind. Once I saw the car and the holes in the ceiling from deer antlers, I started to cry. When I realized that the deer came through the passenger side and I had fought in vain to go with him, I was sobered. The responding trooper said it was a miracle that he was alive. This was six months before our wedding.

Fast forward. Thursday. Why again God? We realized that you spared him before? Why again? We gave YOU credit for that miracle. We kept the t-shirt with the holes in it as a reminder of your grace.

I'm convinced that there is a call of my husband's life. Since he made the shift from secular work to ministry, we have experienced many trials. Satan's attempt to derail our obedience to God. This transition has not been without difficulty. Not the least being a drastic salary reduction and the addition of another child to our family. While it should be frightening, God has been taking amazing care of us. We have all of our needs and even some of our wants met. I'm still wondering if God has another message for us in this latest accident.

Reborn

It feels so good to write again. Even as a I do so, a small person is resting in my lap. As her hand clasps my shirt, I feel incredibly blessed. I've missed writing. I'm so passionate about it, and I've felt a void in its absence. I have missed the camaraderie with my friends who enjoy my musings, and even those who don't enjoy them!

As most of you know, I safely delivered our third child on October 22nd! We are so thrilled and thankful beyond words. I have since been immersed in mothering. For the first time in years I feel like a real wife and mother. Most importantly, I feel like me again! I'm tired, but fulfilled. I am enjoying my life. I got to visit my husband at work in the middle of the day. Although my body aches, and I feel like I need a hip replacement, I am overjoyed! Sorry for all of the exclamation points, I'm just very happy.

As I transition into a new chapter of my life, I ask for your prayers. My husband is ministering to the youth at our church now (an answer to a long-time prayer), and I long to be by his side in service. I also wish to involve myself in women's ministry but feel pulled in too many directions. Right now I need not to worry, but my mind is not listening. I do trust God for His direction, but I have Him on my schedule. Fail! Please join me in prayer. There is a fire burning inside me, and I can't wait to see how God brings it to fruition. Trust Him with and for me. Stop by and say hello.

Mixed Emotions

As my third trimester progresses, there are many thoughts that cross my mind. How much more can my skin stretch? What do my toes look like? Will this baby be early or on time? What will this delivery be like?

There are days when I'm so tired of being pregnant. The days when I am in pain for the entire day or when I'm so short of breath that I can barely function. My most recent feeling was one of sadness. The midwife started giving me delivery info and signs of labor. I realized that my pregnancy is on the downswing now. I'm pretty sure I probably won't be pregnant again after this one. So when I start thinking that I only have a handful of weeks left, I'm happy and sad.

Thoughts of postpartum depression and recovery after the delivery make me remember times past. But thankfully the overwhelming excitement of finally meeting this precious bundle who has been tap dancing on my bladder and distorting my stomach takes precedence. I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and feed her. This is a new chapter. I'm looking forward to being restored. I thanks God for second chances.

Too Many People in Our Bed

As a working mom of two young children, I'm pretty busy most of the time. Since we are expecting our third child, I think I've moved into a new category of people. I'm officially weird. For those of you who know me, you may say this has nothing to do with the children, but bear with me.

Many who see me often seemed surprised that I'm expecting another child. I'm not sure why. There's the obvious: You already have a boy and a girl. And your point is? I actually had someone tell me that they did not know I was expecting another one. They followed with, "Was it planned?" Wow. How bold and how very personal. What goes on in my bedroom is now the public's business!

I don't see the big deal. I'm happily married for over 9 years. We have jobs and support our own children. Our current children are happy and healthy. Did I mention, I'm married? People have asked me if I'm happy about the baby? How do you respond to such ludicrous questions?

I'm appalled that someone would ask me if my child was planned or if I'm happy about it. I should have answered in an equally insane way. "Actually this child is not mine, I've agreed to be a surrogate for a coworker. Don't worry, they're paying me well." The sad fact is that many would accept this answer better than that we simply wanted another child in spite of the fact that we have 1 boy and 1 girl already. Our society is so strange...

Our children are blessings, and I think I'd have 20 if we could afford it and if they didn't all come from me!

Pouring Rain

Besides for the death of my grandmother, the month on August began far more eventful than I would have hoped for. On the Sunday before the funeral, my cousin was rushed to the ER via ambulance after what appeared to be a seizure. Three aunts and an uncle were nearly killed in an accident when the driver fell asleep at the wheel. I also learned that a good friend of our was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. She's in her early 40's. This all happened in one day.

A couple of days earlier, I was told that the father of a long time friend was in ICU because of a serious stroke. As I was preparing to return home, the phone at my parents' home rang, and along with it came news of the death of a cousin of ours. She had just returned home from our family reunion. No one knew she was sick.

For me, this was a trying time. While it has been a time of transition and good things for our little family unit, my extended family has undergone some challenges and tragedies. When it rains, it pours. Matthew 5:45 tells us that it rains on the just and the unjust, so I cannot decide that these circumstances are sent as punishment. While that may sometimes be the case, each difficult circumstance is an opportunity for growth. At times it is a sign, and changes are needed. Continue to pray for my family and friends. The month had a rough start, but God is still on His throne, and He has not left us.

Picture Perfect

On Saturday I spent a glorious day at the NC Zoo with my family. My mom and my brother's family also joined us. I waited with eager anticipation as the day grew closer. With days in the 90s, I was a little concerned about the heat. Then we experienced torrential downpours, so I fretted about being drenched.

When it comes to zoos, I'm kind of obsessive. I'm as bad as a little child! As the big day grew closer, I kept an eye on the forecast. The weather was expected to be 83 degrees, partly cloudy. Perfect! I was thrilled and so thankful.

Saturday morning, we slept a little later than I wanted to. Ooops. Once we got outside, the weather was actually a little cool. Our drive was uneventful. We arrived at Africa and began our adventure. With video/digital camera in hand, I was ready to go.

At the end of the day, I was left with sore feet
and back, tired children, a happy husband and
enough memories to last a lifetime. I have some
amazing pictures of God's creations. I only wish I
had trusted Him enough to answer
my prayers for perfect weather.
He always answers.

Precious Blessings

Yesterday I was blessed to spend an entire day at my 6 year old's school. There was a luau taking place and parents were invited to help out or simply enjoy the fun. I'd contemplated taking the day off to join in the festivities. For those of us mothers with careers, we are well aware of the balancing act between work and family. Since we are currently short staffed and overworked, I considered those facts also. So, in the end, I decided to follow my heart and help out, and I have no regrets.

I had an opportunity to laugh a lot. I saw my child in silly outfits and listened to her sweet voice over the throng of the others as they sang to us. She smiled so much, and was so happy to look out and see her parents and grandmother in the crowd. I am overjoyed that I was there. My little girl is truly a blessing. My family is truly probably the greatest reminder that God cares about me. Anytime I am tempted to forget that, I can look at my little ones.

I've noticed my own theme of blessings lately. It wasn't planned, but I guess it's the overflow from my heart. Every day we are faced with choices. Sometimes they are life and death. Others simply leave us with regrets if we choose the wrong way. In this case, I'm so thankful that I made the right choice. I'm thankful that I had a choice. I noticed several children without parents they and realized that perhaps they were not permitted to take time off.

There are many people who do not favor women working. I'm not here to argue with them. I am willing to say that wives are placed as helpers for her husband. Is is not possible that this help often comes in the form of employment? Staying at home has pros and cons for all parties involved. They are not clear cut. It is important that women respect and support each other regardless of how we take care of our families. Whether we stay home, work part or full-time.

A Face for the Feelings

If you're wondering why I did not write yesterday, I have a good excuse. Yesterday, we got a chance to see our unborn baby. I now have a face to go with the wiggly movements I've been feeling. It was amazing. The sheer wonderment never ceases, no matter how many times I've been here before. If I wasn't a bum, I'd try to scan in pics for you all to see. For now, imagination will have to suffice.

The perfectly crafted spine, the symmetrical cranium, the life-giving blood flow, the wonderful complement of ten fingers and toes. All seen in spectacular detail. Our children and my mom shared in this with us. What a blessing. Watching the fascination in the eyes of our little ones as they "met" their new sibling for the first time warmed my heart.

I do not take for granted the clean bill of health given to our baby. No abnormalities seen on the ultrasound. Thank you God! The organs are beautiful. The bones are long and straight. As one who sees anomalies on a daily basis, I have untold knowledge of the various things than could go wrong. So tonight I'm overjoyed. The melodious sound of my baby's heartbeat echoing in my ears... God's little rainbow of promise to me.

Common-Law Divorce?

We've all heard of common-law marriages. You know, when folks shack up for so long, they're considered married? Well, now there's a new trend. Common-law divorce!

While I don't think there's an official name for it, the economy is causing come interesting changes. Many couples are divorcing and continuing to live in the same household. Most are citing the hard economic times as their reason.

What?! The couples will continue to share chores and space. They will opt for separate rooms is available. This will make it easier for them to continue to co-parent. Am I the only one appalled by this? I'm not trying to be judgmental, but this insults my common sense.

If a couple has reached the point where they decide there is no other choice than to renege on their marriage vows, how can they then turn around and facilitate an amicable cohabitation? Could not that same energy be used in marriage counseling? Or in working to nurture the ailing relationship? So I say, "Absolutely not, I hate him. I can't live with him!" Oh wait, "It will save money?! I can do it."

What about children? Tell them, "Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced. But we're all still going to live here." What's being said is, there are other ways, but I can't bear to change my lifestyle. I am willing to sacrifice the well-being of my children for my boat and luxury home. What happens when one parent begins to date again? I think this arrangement should be illegal. How confusing. How selfish?

How sad is a world where marriage is reduced to dollar and cents? Where we will forsake our marriage vows, but tolerate each other to save money. MONEY! I can't even conceptualize this. Our priorities are so out of control. Look what we've done to God's marriage design. I really am saddened and appalled. "For the love of money is the root of all evil." I Tim. 6:10

15 years to Life

The raw emotion I feel right now is indescribable. I'm not sure how it came up, but my husband and I were talking... One thing led to another, and I found myself remembering people from back home. There are several that I've known who started out on a relatively straight path and fallen off track along the way.

The reminiscence led me to a young man I once knew back in high school. He was always nice and polite. Seemed like a good kid. He was convicted of murder a few years ago. Fifteen years to life. He still has many years to go before he is eligible for parole. His grandparents are good, God-fearing people. Pillars of the community. I will not provide more details in order to protect the family's privacy.

I think of kids that I knew who were victims of drug-related gun violence. Snuffed out in their youth. I remember them growing up in children's church.


As a parent, my heart is hurting right now. These children had mothers, grandmothers, aunts and maybe even a church family who loved them.

These crimes were not premeditated. They happened in the blink of an eye. Choices were made. The wrong ones.

How many of us have made bad choices? The ones that we look back on and say, "Whoa, that was close." The ones we are so glad our parents don't know about. The ones we can't forgive ourselves for even though 10 years have past.

I am thanking God right now for His grace. For my parents' love and guidance. For the Holy Spirit's whispering into my soul. I thank Him that I can empathize with those whose choices have landed them in the system. Why? Because some of those names are people I knew once upon a time. Because, if not for God's grace and mercy upon me, one fit of rage could have landed me in a similar circumstance.

If you know someone who is locked up, do not judge. We're not qualified. Pray for their children and parents. Pray that they could see God's provision even in the most dire circumstance. Pray that the "prison religion" they find will last a lifetime, and they will truly be restored, rehabilitated and reformed.

Something for Your Brain Cells

For Tre's birthday, we went to see the movie Not Easily Broken. It featured a married couple, portrayed by Morris Chesnut and Taraji P. Henson, experiencing some marital challenges. There were financial problems, a meddling mother-in-law, a car accident, another woman...
You get the picture.

On their day of matrimony, the minister told them that "a chord of 3 strands is not easily broken." (Ecc. 4:12) God, husband and wife bound together. Over the years, the third chord was forgotten and the marriage began to unravel.

The movie explores their path and how the trials were tearing them apart.

I thought it was fairly well-done. It made me think. I looked at the influences that were in both the husband and the wife's sphere. The way those people think will greatly affect you if you listen to them often enough. Sometimes friends and even family need to be kept at a distance in order to protect one's marriage.

For those of us who are married, we know how hard marriage can be. Many things can cause rifts. When you add trials together, it can mean disaster. I've often heard marriage called a garden that needs to be tended. Weeded. Watered. Given plenty of sunshine and TLC.

To me, the sunshine is God. Continual prayer. Scripture study. Keeping Him first without compromise. There are many principalities fighting to destroy our marriages, and we cannot combat them in our own strength. When I forget that, there is such a gulf that grows between us.

If you'd like to see a thought provoking movie, this is probably a winner. The movie is PG-13 for some adult language.

Protect and nurture our marriages. Keep God as the third chord so that we are able to resist the forces trying to destroy us. Encourage each other. Support others' marriages.
Bad marriages and divorces make the devil so very happy. Let's make him fume.

The Other Man

Friday night I had a wonderful date with another man. He's cute, sweet and laughs constantly. He gives great hugs, kisses and says I love you a lot. My two and a half year son makes a great date. There was food and fun... We rode "horses" and went on the slide. We even did a little shopping!

While we were out, my husband escorted our little Daisy Scout to a sweetheart dance. They both got all dressed up and had the time of their lives. They were both going on and on about "having a blast!"

It was music to my ears. I am such an advocate of healthy father/daughter relationships. For those of us who have active fathers, we know how much his admiration means; how it affects our self-esteem. During childhood, he was our protector. My dad used to buy my mother roses for Valentines' Day, and I got a dozen too. He wanted me to know that I didn't need any one else to buy me flowers. I believed him. It was a critical lesson for me. When our relationship with dad is absent or poor, it makes things tough. We start to search for the missing affection in someone else's arms. A very dangerous solution.

My dad and I did not have a perfect relationship. He loved me, but I wondered about the trust. I was the only daughter in a family with 3 sons, so he was overprotective at times. When I wanted to rebel and run away, I couldn't. My relationship with my heavenly Father prevailed. Placing too much significance on the allegiances and abilities of another human sets us up for heartache.

So while I'm thankful for the time spent with my son and for the evening my husband spent with our dear princess, I hope that we can instill in them a deep love and commitment to Christ. This way, when someday they're older, they have a foundation on which to base their lives. May we create standards so high that they are unwilling to settle for anything less than the best God has for them.

Eight Babies and Counting

Recently a California woman gave birth to octuplets. Eight children at one time. Amazing. She has raised quite a stir. The mother, 33 year old Nadya Suleman, already has six children in her home, ranging in age from 2-7 years of age. She reportedly is unmarried and resides with her parents.

The woman's mother, Angela Suleman, recently spoke out against her daughter having so many children. Her children were all conceived through in vitro fertilization, or IVF. The grandmother says she always wanted babies.




There are also ethical questions being raised. Why was she implanted with so many simultaneously? There are apparently guidelines governing the transfer process of embryos. Who will support these children? Although she is college educated, she lives with her parents. She seemingly cannot support these children on her own. Not to say that many people can support 14 children without help.

I have children of my own, and I know they are a gift from God. The Bible encourages us to have children. (many times in the book of Genesis alone) My question is, have we gone too far? In previous years, when women could not have children, adoption was often the chosen remedy. While many believers do not believe in IVF (or contraception), I do not think all fertility treatment is wrong. I believe it is a blessing for families that would otherwise never be. If I had not conceived my children, I would have considered assistance.

My concern is when so many children are conceived, complications increase, for the mother and the babies. When multiple fetuses are in the womb, physicians routinely recommend "selective reduction." A sugar coated way of saying elective abortion. These children are not only aborted for defects but simply because there are too many or because a boy was wanted instead of a girl. There is an expected, increased loss of children associated with this process.

I definitely don't have any answers here, but I do think it makes for an interesting discussion and has given me a lot to think about. All life is precious, and the desire for children is from God. What we do with that desire is free will. No matter what, we are each responsible for our reproductive choices and should be sure they are in line with our Creator's plans. What do you think?

Without Hope

I wasn't planning to write today, but I came across a story that brought me to a stop. It is the saddest, most horrific thing I have seen. Possibly in my life. The story is so sad, my heart breaks for total strangers. The events took place in California. A man and his wife were apparently let go from their jobs after filing a union grievance. As the parents of 5 young children and owners of a home, they felt hopeless and destitute. They apparently planned a murder/suicide as a "final escape" for their family. The story is heartbreaking.

If only they had known God's promises to supply all of their needs. If only someone had realized they were in need of help and reached out to this young family. In Jeremiah 29:11, it says: "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." NLT (YouVersion)

While I can't understand why parents allow their own despair to cause them to kill their own children, I imagine their hearts must have been so heavy. If only they could have reached out to someone. Was no one willing to help this desperate family? Perhaps even a caring counselor could have helped.

I do hope this will make each one of us pay more attention to others instead of being obsessed with our own problems. We never know what hopelessness will do to someone. Without knowing the entire saga, I can only wonder and speculate... Please join me in praying for the survivors of this tragedy.

And my God will supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19 NASB)

Lessons from the Baxters

Love, sex, prayer, sickness and adoption are just a few of the themes tackled in Karen Kingsbury's (with Gary Smalley) Redemption series of five books about the highs and lows of the Baxter family. I have been encapsulated by this fictional family.

What I love about these books is the wide range of topics discussed. I enjoyed the fact that this Christian family is far from perfect. They struggle with everything from their faith the fidelity. There are doubts about God's existence and fears about contracting HIV from an adulterous affair.

Kingsbury produced a masterful creation. You will fall in love with this family from the beginning and experience every emotion along with them. Stay tuned for much more on these incredible books.

A Boyfriend for My Daughter

I was driving home today after picking up our kids. My 5 year old daughter proceeds to tell me how her classmate has an ex-boyfriend. She's 5 too. Seriously. But wait, there's more. She too wants a boyfriend, but she has no idea why. There's a boy whom, I will call Chad. He has four girlfriends, one of which is my daughter apparently. One girl wants to kiss him! Chad also, in her words, "like believes he is the strongest man in the world, even though he's only 5. Wow!

I had to resist the urge to tell her to choose someone without such an inflated ego. For goodness sakes, do not share a man with 3 other girls! Do not follow him around, and do not do everything he does! But, alas, I remembered, she is only 5. I still remember the crush I had when I was 6. It's harmless right? I'm not so sure.

This was a hard conversation to hear from my little girl. I developed a dislike for poor Chad. I want to lock up my daughter in her room for the next 20 years. My parents would laugh if they knew how I was being paid back this way! Oh well. What goes around comes around.

Counting My Blessings

This year, we celebrated Thanksgiving in our new home. In this economy, we don't take that for granted. Our neighbors are nice, and our neighborhood is safe. I am so thankful.

I had some much needed time off work. What made it very special was sharing it with each other and with some of our close family. In times of trouble, I find it therapeutic to think on simple things like this.