Abstinence is Unrealistic

Everyone knows that Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol recently delivered a son. The unwed mom is 18 and is allegedly engaged to her boyfriend. So here's my thing...

Bristol's mother ran on an "abstinence only" platform when she became governor of Alaska. While I agree that stuff happens, sex isn't typically one of those things. Unless you are sexually assaulted or inebriated, you don't just find yourself a victim of surprise sex. One thing, as the saying goes, doesn't really lead to another.

In a recent article, Governor Palin was reported as saying abstinence is not a realistic expectation for everyone. Her daughter apparently echoed those sentiments. I know that abstinence teaching has been under fire since its inception. While abstinence is difficult, it is NOT unrealistic.

Doing right is never easy. Our human nature is sinful, and doing wrong seems like more fun. However, not teaching abstinence just because it's hard, is a huge cop-out and a disservice to young people everywhere. There are days when I find it hard to drive without wanting to run someone off the road. There are times when I've wanted to tell my supervisor that he has no idea what he's doing. Perhaps there are times when I would like to take my husband and make out with him in the back of church. But I don't do these things because there are rules and standards in place.

Abstinence is no different. I have 2 children, and we will teach them to abstain until they are married. We will educate them thoroughly. Will is be easy? No. It wasn't for us. Neither were most of the other things my parents expected of me. Is indulging myself more fun? Absolutely. But there are always consequences. Always. I have more faith in my children than to say, "I expect you to obey, but if it's too hard, feel free not to do it." Give me a break. Who decides which of God's laws to obey? Do we only follow the easy ones?

At what point do we as parents set godly standards for our children and expect them to abide. I realize that people make mistakes, I make plenty. But I can not lower my standards as a result of my failures. I believe that children, just like adults, are capable of rising to meet high standards. We see it everyday. If nothing is expected, that's what we get. Few people excel when no one has expectations for them.

While I applaud the Palins for giving the child a chance at life, I would like to see the Republican governor stand firmly behind her previous statements and not adjust them to fit her daughter's current circumstances. I'm hoping that this article is only a snapshot of how where she stands. Technically speaking, abstinence is not realistic for ANYONE. It requires discipline.... Just like everything else in life.

I Need a Man (Pt 4)

As February comes to a close, I'm closing (or maybe pausing) this series.

Value yourself. Demand respect.

The other parts of the series elude to this. Finding value starts with understanding and embracing who you are because of God's love for you. Accepting the fact that you are a princess because your Father is the King. Carrying yourself like a woman of virtue. Keep your own standards high.

Embrace the parts of yourself that you aren't too thrilled with. If you have too many curves and don't love them, lose weight. Start small. Eat less. Exercise. Bad skin, see a dermatologist
or get good make-up.

I'm constantly saddened by the ways we as women will reduce ourselves to the lowest levels in order to attract or keep a man. There are no limits. We will dress in inappropriate ways. Participate in activities we feel uncomfortable with. We will date married men. When we look at our reflections, the person in view is a stranger.

I'm having a hard time writing this because as I do, I am thinking of girls who've sold out their closest friends to win a guy, only to end up divorcing him after he cheated. Of the young woman who's sleeping with a married man by telling herself, he really wants me. I'm remembering the wrong guys that I dated, knowing they were wrong for me from day one.

Women, we wield power. Men do what they are permitted to do. If you say no to sex, they say no, too. Unless you've chosen a criminal... Don't play games. Stop advertising all of your assets. Hold him accountable. Make him want to respect you. Let that marinate. I love you girls! Love you too. Our Dad does.

Dreaming of Sex

While riding home after work on Friday, I was chatting with my daughter about her day at school. I like to use this time to hear all about what she learned and who she's "unfriended" today. It started out as an ordinary conversation, but soon took a turn to the outrageous! She tells me her classmate dreamed of having sex with one of the older boys! What?!! How?!! Why?!! You can imagine my horror.

First of all, these kids are 5-6 years of age. Do they even know what sex is? If so, why? So, I began to talk to myself quickly. "Calm down, or she will stop talking. Deep breaths. It's not as bad as it sounds." It was.

I asked her what sex is. She said it means "to show love." I was quiet. I responded, "Sex is something for married people only. It's not the same as love."

What struck me is that, my daughter told me, "It means to show love." How many adult women believe the same thing? We learn very young (too young, apparently), that love and sex and synonymous. While searching for love, we trade sex, and self-esteem suffers in the process.

So I've learned a couple of things from this encounter: Listen to my child, talk to her, pray for her often. If you have children, realize that they are growing up way too fast now, and it's scary. They have many other "teachers" besides us. Let's make our voice the loudest and most influential. Trust God to guide you on what to say and how to protect them. Be a positive example.

Dear God,
I thank you for entrusting me with such a precious daughter. Help me to love her as you love me. Give me the wisdom to raise her to love You first. Help me to build her self-esteem and encourage her to love herself deeply. Help us to nurture an open relationship with free-flowing conversation forever. Protect her from the dangerous outside influences. Help her to grow in grace and wisdom. To always carry herself like a lady, to be strong and smart. Shield her from the lies men tell, and let her find the male love that she needs in the arms of her father...until such a time as he walks her down the aisle. Amen.

Sincerely,
Her Mommy

Thanks to Yves for the beautiful pic

The Power of Music

A short time ago, I was feeling uneasy and somewhat overwhelmed from the moment I woke up. I guess some mornings are just like that. I said a prayer and gave myself a pep talk as I prepared for my day. When I get in the car, I usually power up my bluetooth headset and call my mom as I drive to work. Not this morning.



Something told me to turn on the radio. Almost immediately, my spirits lifted. Within moments, my heart soared. I was clapping, singing and bouncing to the beat. It was the perfect pick-me-up. The song on the radio was called Victory by Tye Tribbett. It was followed by two other songs in the "Witness Fitness Mix" on 100.9FM. Just what the doctor ordered. I've been singing ever since.

Sometimes uplifting comes in the form of a song. Nothing speaks to me like a good song. At other times a comedy rerun, chocolate or a hug is what I need. Still other times, only a verse from the Word will do. Whatever the case, don't forget to get "lifted" every day. It's good medicine. Don't forget to laugh. Oh yeah, and dance!

Thanks to maitexu for the photo

Gag Me

So you know how the Bible talks about the tongue? I did not realize God sent personalized messages for me before I even existed! James 3:2 (NLT) says, "... For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way." Oh boy. I guess I'm out of luck.


I did a search about control of the tongue. What I found is that the theme of tongue control occurs many, many times in the Bible: more than 80! If it's mentioned so frequently, there must be a reason. Me!

My problem is that I'm not good at sugar coating. When I see stupid, I wish to respond. I've gotten better over the years, but I have such a long way to go. I perhaps need a bridle in my mouth like a horse. This mostly happens at work. There are things that occur that make me scratch my head. If I could turn off my brain, my tough would not be so tempted to wag.

Most of the time, I keep my mouth shut. But when I don't, sometimes weeks of build up come rushing out like a flood! The two things that irk me most are inconsistencies in treatment and lazy people. I feel that things should be fair and people should do their own work. Completely, efficiently and effectively. I do not get paid to work for two.

But, the Bible convicts me yet again. It tells me to work "as unto the Lord". (Col. 3:23) I am not working for man. It also tells me to "speak the truth in love". (Eph. 4:15) At times I stop at "truth" and skip the "in love" part. This may take the form of "discussions", known as gossip. Another thing the Bible discourages. It may be simply wicked thoughts. Either way, my personalized Book stops me at every excuse I manufacture.

So what's my bottom line? Shut-up! Keep quiet! Think happy thoughts. (Phil. 4:8) If you need a little push to control your tongue and thoughts, check out this study from Campus Crusade for Christ International. Pray for me, and I'll pray for you.

pic by papillon

I Need a Man (Pt 3)

Time for part 3: Check Yourself.

Time for introspection. Look within. In part 2, we created a definition for a good man. Now we ask, "Am I good?" Believe it or not, we can repel men better than Deep Woods Off! Am I needy? Do I have my own interests? Do I truly feel comfortable being alone? Do I like me? How do I feel about my appearance? When I dress "sexy", what's my motive? Who will I attract with my attire? Is he good? If you dress like a trick, you may attract a john.

In the book, Knight in Shining Armor, author P.B.Wilson explores the many things we as women need to repair BEFORE joining our lives to another. One fallacy is the statement, "He completes me." Wrong. Are you a half person? Many of us are. We are lost without a man.

Self-esteem is one of the largest factors. You should exude confidence. If you don't think you're beautiful, why should he? If you don't respect yourself, why should he? If you don't love yourself, how can he?

If you don't know you're beautiful, spend time with a Man who loves you from the inside out. Wholly and deeply. Unconditionally. A good starting point is one of my favorite verses. Psalm 139:14, tells is that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". YouVersion will translate it many ways for you. This tells us that we are not a mistake! God took His time with me. I am wonderful! We all are.

Learning to see ourselves as our Creator does may take time and much prayer since so much affects our self-image. Whether it's the media barrage, extra weight or a bad break-up, it is often hard to speak the truth to our own heart. I know that as much as my husband loves me, his love is a mere shadow of my Father's love. I am a princess because my Father is the King.

To Love Money

In this time of foreclosures and job losses, it is very easy to become obsessed with money. Recently I learned that my company may be rather shaky. At first, I wanted to freak, then I took some steps back. God promised to supply all of my needs. If I need this job, he will continue to supply it, if not, there will be another. I'm cursed with being a very logical person. Faith and logic often cancel each other out.

Logic tells me that because I am in a specialized field, it is unlikely that I will find another position if I'm laid off. Only one other site exists in this city. Logic tells me that if our income does not match or exceed our needs, we will go without something. Faith reminds me to trust the God who has never let me down. Faith tells me that even though I can not see how He will do, He will do it. Faith says that my steps are ordered by God. He knows where I'm going and when I will get there. My understanding or permission is not required for Him to do His thing.

I am speaking this message to myself. If it edifies some of you, what a blessing.

11"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
(Jer. 29:11-13 NIV)

I will rest on this promise and be grateful for every Monday that comes and I have a job to go to. I will be thankful that we still have our house. That our vehicles are paid for. That our freezer is full. That the sun is shining. My husband and children are healthy. Our electricity provides warm heat and cool air. That our church consists of other believers who love the same God. Be blessed. I am.

The Other Man

Friday night I had a wonderful date with another man. He's cute, sweet and laughs constantly. He gives great hugs, kisses and says I love you a lot. My two and a half year son makes a great date. There was food and fun... We rode "horses" and went on the slide. We even did a little shopping!

While we were out, my husband escorted our little Daisy Scout to a sweetheart dance. They both got all dressed up and had the time of their lives. They were both going on and on about "having a blast!"

It was music to my ears. I am such an advocate of healthy father/daughter relationships. For those of us who have active fathers, we know how much his admiration means; how it affects our self-esteem. During childhood, he was our protector. My dad used to buy my mother roses for Valentines' Day, and I got a dozen too. He wanted me to know that I didn't need any one else to buy me flowers. I believed him. It was a critical lesson for me. When our relationship with dad is absent or poor, it makes things tough. We start to search for the missing affection in someone else's arms. A very dangerous solution.

My dad and I did not have a perfect relationship. He loved me, but I wondered about the trust. I was the only daughter in a family with 3 sons, so he was overprotective at times. When I wanted to rebel and run away, I couldn't. My relationship with my heavenly Father prevailed. Placing too much significance on the allegiances and abilities of another human sets us up for heartache.

So while I'm thankful for the time spent with my son and for the evening my husband spent with our dear princess, I hope that we can instill in them a deep love and commitment to Christ. This way, when someday they're older, they have a foundation on which to base their lives. May we create standards so high that they are unwilling to settle for anything less than the best God has for them.

How Weight Affects How I Feel About Me

I was reading about Jessica Alba, an actress who recently had a baby. She talked about the difficulty of her workouts. She was so adamant about regaining her pre-baby body that she worked herself into tears. All of this was so she could be "perfect" for a photo shoot. Apparently the workouts were more painful than the delivery, she recently told People magazine. She also shares her secrets for looking slimmer.

So this made me think... My friend and I gave birth one month apart back in 2003. When she returned to work, she looked great! She told me that she had a good girdle. I bought one immediately. One of my greatest fears about having a baby was gaining weight that I could never get rid of. We've all heard people say, "She really let herself go". Thankfully, someone else told me that nursing was a built-in way to lose the weight after baby. It was also true. I was pleasantly surprised.

So, now that I am over thirty, my metabolism has slowed down, but my love for eating hasn't! While my clothes still fit, sometimes I feel "heavy". So I have started to pay more attention to my meals. Not how much, but the content. Being a working mom sometimes causes me to compromise the quality of meals. I'm sure many of you know what I'm speaking of.

So while I refuse to work myself to tears, I do have a responsibility to care for the body I was given. Staying at my current size makes me feel good about what I see in the mirror. While I'm far from obsessed, I am paying more attention. I'm practicing better eating habits for health and wellness. I'm also learning not to be so hard on myself. I can't compare myself to millionaires who spend fortunes on lipo, trainers and botox. I also cannot airbrush myself before leaving each day. So I guess I have to get used to the changes childbirth brought and thank God for my little cherubs each time I see a stretch mark!

I Need a Man (Pt 2)

In part one, I talked about 5 steps for finding a good man. I will elaborate on:

Step 1: Define Good.

Many girls and women start the search for Mr. Right without a clue. The thought process stops with how he looks in a pair of jeans, what he drives and where he works. While sexual attraction and employment are "good" things, they are not the only components to be considered.

Let's start with two pertinent definitions provided by Merriam-Webster. The first is: of a favorable character or tendency. The second is: of the highest worth or reliability. Both of these definitions embody what a good man is. There is no reference to Mercedes, or to height or employer.

Digging a little deeper...

A) Character. This is, hands down, at the top of the list. It is the thing that all other things revolve around. Moral excellence and firmness. A man's qualities or traits. For me, "moral excellence" is only achieved through a foundation on the principles of the Bible and a growing relationship with the One who gave His life for us. When I first encountered my husband, this was the first thing I learned about him. Without it, there was no deal. Remember: DO NOT SETTLE. More on that in a later post.

B) As for a man's qualities and traits... What's he about? How does he carry himself? Does what he says reflect what he does? Physical qualities fall into this category also. I am certainly physically attracted to hear husband, but I cannot base my love for him on that alone. Many times the so-called hottie is kryptonite for you. The beauty to look for is that which emanates from within him. If he happens to be cute, consider it a bonus. Looks fade, and your tastes will change with age. Your love and devotion must be based on a deeper connection.

C) A final word of advice, DO NOT COMPARE. As women, we often find ourselves doing this inadvertently or intentionally. He's not cute enough. He has bad teeth or hair. As long as there are plastic surgeons, beauticians and dentists, these items can be altered! Poor character will create far more challenges. Do not allow the opinion of friends or family to dissuade you. Do not search for media ideals. It's poison pure and simple. Perfection exists only in heaven. Cut him some slack on these entities. While we expect perfection, we are far from it.

When I fell in love with Tre, I prayed that God would remove the blinders from my eyes. I did not want to make an error in judgment. If you are always picking the wrong men, ask God to help you. He will. You may learn that the problem is NOT the men. I did.

Stay tuned for more in this series.

Photo by jurvetson

Happiness vs Joy

Lately the word Joy has been popping up every where. I hear it often in church and see it while reading. Happiness and joy are often erroneously used interchangeably.

In this changing, declining fiscal economy, many people are unhappy. Understandably so since happiness is strictly dependent on circumstances. If we're broke, we're unhappy, while riches bring happiness, right? Wrong.

I read something very profound this week regarding the contrasts of joy and happiness. While joy comes from within and is unfleeting, happiness is as fickle as the wind or the tide. While it's nice to be happy, it is a very unstable foundation for life. It compares to a house on sand. Joy is the house built on the Rock.

In Today's Christian Woman magazine (Nov/Dec 2008 pps.36-37), author Elisa Morgan , CEO of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) describes joy in this way:

"The fruit of joy is confidence in god, in his grace, despite circumstances- despite what happens. Joy is the ability to hold up because we know we're being held up. Joy is the conviction that God is in control of every detail of our lives even when those details appear to be out of control."

In this totally out of control economy where banks are folding, houses are being foreclosed and jobs are being lost everyday, I am learning to leave the big stuff to the Creator. I am also adjusting my expectations and enjoying the little aspects of every day life. Attitude adjustment. I realize that worry clouds my joy. While times are changing, God remains the same. (Heb. 13:8) Trust me, if my joy depended on the amount of money in my checking account, after I purchased 2 stamps and a candy bar, my joy would be over. Then what?

When tempted to allow your security and moods to sway with the rises and falls of Wall Street, try consulting the source of true joy and happiness.

More on joy...

Suspended

I won't say much because this topic is already getting too much airtime. However, I stumbled onto a great article about the slap on the wrist Phelps just received. A 3 month ban from swimming when he isn't actually swimming right now! If you're gonna take the time to punish someone, make it count. Otherwise, leave it alone. Click here to read the article written by Yahoo sports writer, Dan Wetzel.

Regarding the moral or social implications, here's a great blog post that wraps it up very succinctly.

As a mom of two young children, I strive very hard to be their role model. As much as I enjoyed Phelps' awesome run in China, I do not want my children looking to him or any other unknown person. And while I know they will be influenced by the media influx, it's my job to rear them, not celebrities and their manufactured personae. Let me know what you think.

I would love to hear from all of you.

Eight Babies and Counting

Recently a California woman gave birth to octuplets. Eight children at one time. Amazing. She has raised quite a stir. The mother, 33 year old Nadya Suleman, already has six children in her home, ranging in age from 2-7 years of age. She reportedly is unmarried and resides with her parents.

The woman's mother, Angela Suleman, recently spoke out against her daughter having so many children. Her children were all conceived through in vitro fertilization, or IVF. The grandmother says she always wanted babies.




There are also ethical questions being raised. Why was she implanted with so many simultaneously? There are apparently guidelines governing the transfer process of embryos. Who will support these children? Although she is college educated, she lives with her parents. She seemingly cannot support these children on her own. Not to say that many people can support 14 children without help.

I have children of my own, and I know they are a gift from God. The Bible encourages us to have children. (many times in the book of Genesis alone) My question is, have we gone too far? In previous years, when women could not have children, adoption was often the chosen remedy. While many believers do not believe in IVF (or contraception), I do not think all fertility treatment is wrong. I believe it is a blessing for families that would otherwise never be. If I had not conceived my children, I would have considered assistance.

My concern is when so many children are conceived, complications increase, for the mother and the babies. When multiple fetuses are in the womb, physicians routinely recommend "selective reduction." A sugar coated way of saying elective abortion. These children are not only aborted for defects but simply because there are too many or because a boy was wanted instead of a girl. There is an expected, increased loss of children associated with this process.

I definitely don't have any answers here, but I do think it makes for an interesting discussion and has given me a lot to think about. All life is precious, and the desire for children is from God. What we do with that desire is free will. No matter what, we are each responsible for our reproductive choices and should be sure they are in line with our Creator's plans. What do you think?

I Need a Man (Pt 1)

How many times have you heard this? When we're young, we obsess over being married. We plan our weddings for years! Even when there isn't a man in sight! As we grow from being girls to adolescents, the thoughts increase. Once we add hormones to the mix, we are an unstoppable force.

Now don't get me wrong. I have a man, and I am glad. However, my parents did not permit me to date young. I had my first real boyfriend at 17. Many of my friends dated much, much sooner. They were involved in serious, even sexual relationships in junior high.

Very early on I was taught this phrase: Date only if they make a good mate. While I failed to heed it a time or two, I've never forgotten it.

So here are a few tips for finding a good man:

1. Define Good: What are the critieria? Are you realistic? Remember: Beauty fades, dumb is forever.

2. Check yourself: How secure are you? How high is your self-esteem? Are you happy being alone? Are you friends with your mirror? Do you have your own interests? Are you needy?

3. DO NOT SETTLE: Never, ever settle. It's dangerous and stupid. Being lonely is better than being with a loser. I speak from experience. If you would not marry him, DO NOT DATE HIM!

4. Beware of missionary-dating: Girls, we can not "fix" anyone. Only God can. If his faith is weak or non-existent, run away, FAST. If he has a reputation as a player, he probably is. Pray for him from afar. No projects.

5. Value yourself, and DEMAND respect: Carry yourself like a lady if that's how you want to be treated. Many of us dress like hookers and get mad when we're treated as such. Leave something to the imagination. Be original.

Above all, use wisdom. Numerous times in scripture, there are references made to the value of wisdom. Proverbs 8:11 NLT says: "For wisdom is far more valuable than rubies. Nothing you desire can compare with it." Continue reading this chapter for more insight on this topic.

If you don't know what a good man looks like, ask God for guidance. That's what I did. After dating a couple of duds for all the wrong reasons, I got sick of it after a very short time. I prayed that God would show me what I was looking for. He is faithful and did just that. In the coming weeks I will expand on each of these topics. Come back soon, and bring a friend.

This photo courtesy of jmacphoto

"Love happens when people forgive."

"Love happens when people forgive," is the recurring theme in Oceans Apart. This novel by Karen Kingsbury explores what happens when a husband cheats and conceals the affair for 8 years. When the woman he was with dies unexpectedly, Connor Evans is faced with some very hard decisions. The roller coaster ride that ensues will change he and his wife Michelle forever.

There is forgiveness unlimited that needs to happen. A forgiveness that is divine. There are hurts so deep that we are unable to forgive on our own. When a husband hurts you, God is often the only one who can restore the love and trust you shared.

I've actually read this book twice. The first in paperback, the second on audiobook. The first time, I was deeply moved and very touched by the story. The second time, I was transformed. I learned about forgiveness. True forgiveness. I called my husband and asked him to forgive me for being unforgiving.

There have been things that have happened in our lives, struggles we've had, that I have held against him. I thought I was "over it", but I was wrong. At first I felt justified, telling myself he made poor choices. Everyone makes mistakes. Holding a grudge created an impassable sea of hurt and bitterness. Although my husband has not been unfaithful, perhaps I treated him as though he was a murderer.

I think he had been trying to tell me that, but I was too busy focusing on what I saw as his failure to see what I was doing in turn. But this time, I heard him speak through the words of the author. We are moving forward now. I am learning to focus on his strengths and forgive his weakness. The operative word is learning. I have not arrived. The importance of growth is the basis for a vibrant faith.

The Word of God speaks often about forgiveness and judgement. Since it is mentioned a lot, it must be important. We are told that we can not be forgiven if we do not first forgive.
(see Matthew 6:14-15) If you are holding a grudge and the root of bitterness is growing inside you, embrace Oceans Apart, and allow God to speak to you through this inspirational fiction. Let the healing and restoration begin.

For more on forgiveness, click here.